The Most Amazing Gift!

We had a wonderful Christmas, Brent and Tristan were able to spend most of Christmas week with us which was wonderful! The boys loved all their gifts...Codey received a video camera (kid proof of course!) that he just loves. He is snapping pictures and taking videos of everything!! Chandler has been building legos all over our living room and Santa brought the boys a large sized basketball hoop! Codey is outside playing right now! We were fortunate enough to be able to plan a trip to Disneyland for the boys this year too. We will be there over New Year's which will be exciting. It's been over three yrs since we last went and the boys have of course grown up a lot over the past several years so they will meet more of the ride height requirements this time around! We are all very exciting and this was one trip I wanted to take before I got pregnant if I am ever so fortunate!!!

Speaking of pregnancies, my sweet husband (and the boys) surprised me w/ a card that had a baby on the front cover w/ two parents kissing the baby. Inside, my husband wrote that he had received a Christmas bonus at work (a large bonus he had never received before through this company) and indicated that he wanted me to use the money for my next IVF procedure and how much he wants this for us too. Needless to say I became a bit emotional...all I could think about it how thoughtful he was to think of this and to want this so much too, for sharing in my dream, believing at least that we may, just may have a chance at this...regardless of the outcome though he supported me and believed in my dream...I will always be grateful for that with or without a little girl in my arms. I could not ask for more than that!!!!

Overall, Christmas was wonderful, spending lots of time w/ my parents, nephew and brother...and of course having extra time off w/ the boys. I work two days this week then off to Disneyland! Work has been busy especially around the holidays so this break has been a much needed one ")

Merry Christmas to all my family and friends and thank you to all of you praying for us through our IVF attempts. We are now hoping to do one last cycle in March/April 2010!

Happy Thanksgiving!

To all my family and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support this year. I wish you a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving....

I have not felt much like writing lately, I have good and bad days...I still struggle w/ my unsuccessful IVF cycle but the support of family and a listening ear (I must apologize in advance to all those that listen over and over to my stories!) but it all helps. Then the day after I found out my cycle did not work my puppy "Lucky" magically appeared and came into my life. He filled a piece of my heart that was missing, we bonded and what a sweet puppy he is. I am sad to say that Chandler's allergies and asthma are at the worst they have been in 4 yrs since we brought Lucky home and we have no choice but to find him a new home and family. Needless to say I am heartbroken...I was packing up some of Lucky's things today and I broke down in tears. He is my baby....my husband listened and offered me a hug. I needed it! He does not quite undersand my emotional state regarding all of this, but he appeared in my life when I needed him most. I love him for that, well for many reasons. He follows me around and offers nothing but his unconditional love, he is my playmate, running buddy (yes, I am running more now!) and is an all around sweet and loving dog. He is very well trained and every morning when I head down the stairs I cannot help but to smile when I see him in his crate wagging his tail at the site of me coming to see him! If there is any good news to this I think we may have found a loving family for him. They are actually neighbors a few blocks away and they are coming over tommorrow evening to see him. I pray this family works for him, they appear to really enjoy animals and once owned a similar breed dog that passed away two yrs ago. I only want the best for him. The Saddest part....my youngest son, this is his dog too. Not only did he lose his cat last year (long story) but now he is losing his dog. I feel like I am carrying around so much grief/loss. My heart aches for the daughter I feel like is slipping away and for my new love "Lucky" that we are forced to give away....

I must say though, just as I can count my losses I can count my blessings, many of them. I am so thankful for so much in my life and here are a few:
1. Basic/survival needs of life (food, shelter, clothing, etc...)
2. Veterans and my freedom
3. My health and the health of my family & friends
4. Employment especially in an economy that suffering
5. My friends & family!!!!
6. The ability to provide for my family especially my two boys
7. BEING A MOM
8. BEING A WIFE MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND ROSS

These make the top of my list, no order, they are all close to my heart.

Update on our IVF status: We have 4 female frozen embryos left, 2 strong, 1 fair, 1 less than fair. Less than fair one will most likely not make it through the defrost process. So if all goes well I will have 3 to transfer. My RE said even if I end up w/ 2 I should be in good shape. We are now planning to wait until April or May 2010. We do not want to take out another loan or put it on a CC so we will be saving and paying cash for it. As it is we will be paying on our first IVF loan for the next 7 yrs! Yes a bit difficult to swallow sometimes but I need to remember that it was better to have at least tried then to have never tried at all and always wondered. I am a firm believer things happen for a reason so I need to remind myself of this IF this next and last cycle does not work. I am so very much praying though for my little girl to make her way to me next year!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! By the way, we are ordering out again this year, this year from Mimi's Cafe. I am very excited, will keep you posted on how it is~

I DID IT!!!!!

It has been a long time coming, but it finally happened...I passed my LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) exam!! From the day I graduated w/ my MSW it was a goal of mine to become LCSW certified. Shortly after graduating I obtained my LMSW (licensed master of social worker) certificate then went on to work towards obtaining my LCSW which required two years of clinical supervision. I can at last breathe now, it's OVER!!!! Finally, I feel I have let go of one more stressor in my life, a big one at that. During my last IVF cycle I still continued to stress over it and even postponed taking the exam at one point so I could focus on my IVF cycle. With having achieved my goal I now feel that much more prepared to go into another IVF cycle. We of course are going to wait to save up the money so we do not have to put it on credit, but this will be one less thing on my mind now....not to mention I am going to sleep better now too!

Boys got their school pictures back today, they are just so cute. They dressed themselves (matching!) the day of pictures. Normally I help to pick out their outfits and encourage them to change if they are not matching etc...but this time I let them do it all themselves. I figured if anything it would be a memory and they did. They turned out great. If I can ever figure out how to scan them I will post them :)

We are leaving next week to OR (actually leaving this coming Fri) for a week vacation and I am looking so forward to this break w/ my mom, husband, boys, brother and nephew. We are going to visit my grandfather and the boys have never been up to visit him at his home before so I am really looking forward to showing them around. We plan to do some fishing, lots of fishing opportunities which the boys will enjoy! Looking forward to some cooler weather too although I must say the last few days here have been amazing!

Not much else is going on...Lucky is marking his territory by digging up our backyard! We bought a cute little tree that we planted in the backyard and well...that did not last long unfortunately...poor thing did not have a chance. We must have reburried it four or five times until we realized it was just not going to make it...ugh! He's a puppy!

Better days...

Hoping for better days to come, these past few wks have been rough. I thought I was coping well w/ the loss at our first attempt to have a daughter, I surprisingly was overall handling the situation well over the past month or so however I can now say it is finally hitting me, hitting me hard. Not a day goes by I don't think about her or see something that reminds me of her...I am part of an on line support group and recently wrote about my feelings surrounding this issue and the ways I am attempting to cope w. it all and I was amazingly surprised that many other women are experiencing the same feelings or had at one time experienced them and went on to become pregnant through their FET (frozen embryo transfer). THIS IS MY HOPE, we have four frozen embryos left, most likely one will not make it through the defrost process but I SHOULD hopefully have three to transfer. My RE said I should have a good chance if we even have two to work with. As quickly as I would love to jump into another cycle I realize I am just not ready, emotionally, physically and financially. We are now paying on a loan that we have absolutely NOTHING to show for and that is so hard to swallow, emotionally I am not ready, I have a lot going on w/ work and am planning to take my LCSW exam next week so until I pass that exam I will need to postpone my cycle. It is too much to handle during my cycle, although I did not feel I was stressing about it for my first cycle it was always on the back of my mind. I want to be as stress free as possible for our next cycle and I am just not there right now. In addition hubby and I have decided that we want to save the money for this next cycle rather than place it on more credit so that will take us some time and physically I know it would be beneficial to lose a few lbs before my next attempt too so I am doing my best to be more active. Lucky keeps me running in the evenings now several days a week so hopefully that will help.....I guess I just feel at a loss right now, how do I get through these next several months or so until we try this again? How do I even begin to cope w/ the feeling possibly of having another failed cycle? I don't have a plan after that, I know in my heart I will need to move on. My family is just amazing and I am already blessed in so many ways, I will say that over and over, but I still and have for years now had this overwhelming desire to balance my family w/ a daughter. I can honestly say I wish I did not have these feelings b/c it is miserable to feel this way, like a piece of me is just missing. I am scared of feeling let down again, scared of another loss, and being left w/ nothing but a bill that I will be paying on for the next several yrs to come. How do you cope w/ this and the idea that having a daughter may never happen despite multiple efforts??? How far do you go to chase your dream? I know I cannot ask anymore of my husband after all of this, he has been nothing but supportive to me along this journey and many past journeys. I also know that I cannot put our family into anymore debt after this next/final cycle, it would not be fair to my husband or boys so...I am trying to just occupy my thoughts, stay busy w. my family and continue to hold onto my dream of one day having MY daughter......

My husband has agreed to most likely put our tax return money towards our next cycle. I am very excited about that! I am really struggling w/ the idea that this is just out of my hands and there is nothing I can or anyone can say or do that will make a difference as to whether this next cycle will be successful or not. I know I need to have full faith and believe that if this is meant to be it will and if not than there is a reason although I most likely will not understand or see it at the moment.

I have good days and not so good lately in thinking about all of this, I can't help but to think had we adopted we would MOST LIKELY have our sweet girl by now, but I cannot let my thoughts go there, we chose this journey for a reason and I need to hold belief and maintain faith in that.

I have been thinking of all the things I am looking forward to such as our upcoming trip to OR to see Papa Duck, Halloween, possible Disneyland trip and of course Christmas (my favorite). The boys picked out their costumes, Codey is a ninja and Chandler is a knight. I am glad they did not go w/ some of the other costumes, some are pretty disturbing especially for children! I must say that Halloween costumes have gone up in price too, it was actually ridiculous the amt we spent...I now understand why so many parents make their children's costumes. If I had the the time and skill it takes to stitch together something I would, but anyone that knows me knows how NOT domestic I am...I can barely cook and well, other than putting buttons back on I am pretty much at a loss w. sewing!!! Lol!

Ok, I better get some sleep. Not sure what has been going on w. me this past week...hubby went on a cruise w/ his family and since he has been gone I cannot sleep!! He will be back tomorrow so I will anxiously be awaiting his return and may finally be able to get some sleep too :)

New MD Appt

Today I met w/ the new RE that I had planned to switch to. The appt went very well, I felt he was really listening to me. He did a thorough review of my chart and said that he was very surprised that my last cycle was unsuccessful since I have a regular cycle and all my labs/tests were normal. He said he would have given me a 68% chance of it working. At this point, we now need to figure out what went wrong. Adult diabetes runs in my family (father, uncle, grandmother) and he said it would be critical that we rule out any sign of diabetes in me b/c if I was diabetic or mildly diabetic it would most likely cause me to miscarry really early on. I thought that was very interesting, I had never heard that before. He also wants to run a few additional tests that my previous RE did not run so that should all help, of course it all adds to the cost again if my insurance does not pick them up...ugh! I want to do everything I can though to ensure we did our best at making this work. He also said that he is going to take a different approach w/ medications, place me on Lupron instead of Ganirelex and put me on both the progesterone creams and injections. In addition he said that FET's are often more successful that the fresh cycles and taking birth control pills before really increases the success rate of FET's for some reason. The protocol is used often for FET and fresh but he made a point to say that it really increases success rates for FET's. I found that encouraging. He reccomended we do the acupuncture again too. He said w/ all the percautions he will be putting in place it will increase my risk of multiples and at present their facility is running a 40% chance of twins. He too has twin girls from IVF. I felt really at peace talking w/ him and made a point of telling him this was our very last chance at this and he said we would do everything possible to make it a successful cycle....I pray he is right!

So, the question now is when, when do we take this big step? I was thinking Nov/Dec but hubby would like to have the cash to pay for it so this may push us back several months. I would feel better paying cash for is vs placing in on our credit card so I am ok with waiting until early or mid next year too. My RE said I have up to 9 yrs to use my frosties!!!! Lol! I could not imagine waiting that long! YIKES! Anyway, I am excited, but yet very scared as this is our very last shot at this....I know it is really out of my hands and everyday I pray for peace in that whatever happens w/ this it will ultimately be for the best for me and for our family.

For now, I am enjoying my time again, no more injections, no more bloating/weight gain, I feel better about me...Lucky is keeping me in shape w/ all the runs and walks! Enjoying my boys, family and taking this time to study for my licensure exam. Either way...I know it will all work out.....

Today I am not pregnant....BFN :(

I received the call yesterday, an hour before my shift ended at work..."I am sorry, your levels dropped." My heart sank...why did they call me at work when I aksed specifically they call me on my cell to leave me a msg for fear that the news of a possible BFN would tear me apart at work? I swallowed, took a deep breath and attempted to hold my composure another hour until I could escape to my car to grieve. I did notify the nurse that I wanted to switch providers as I feel more comfortable w/ this other provider and she agreed. We are scheduled to meet w/ him on 9/14/09. It will be nice to sit down and hear some feedback from this doctor on our poss chances w/ the four frozen embryos we have left. This is our very last chance and that scares me to death! What if we received another BFN? All this emotional, physical and not to mention financial stress to only have nothing to show for it but monthly bills for the next 7 yrs??? That is a lot to swallow...I am grateful we are given another chance as many do not end up w/ extra embros to freeze. Our clinic reccomended unfreezing them all and using the best ones. Guessing we would probably transfer 3, usually (from what I hear) one more extra than I would normally transfer for an embryo cycle. We will know more once we meet w/ the new provider in Sept. For now, I am sad, I took a candle light bath last night and allowed myself to grieve this loss. I had been wanting to take a bath for so long, but couldn't as I was told to take percautions as not to casue an infection. With news of a BFN I jumped at my chance for a bath!!! I had a nice talk w/ my sweet husband afterwards that allowed me to emotionally grieve to him as well, he held me, supported me and looked me in the eyes and said, "It will all work out." That is what I needed to hear, he secured hope in me again, like putting a band-aid on a cut, he bandaged my broken heart. I love him so much for supporting my dream and if both cycles fail I know I will have gained much more, a life lesson on just what my husband was willing to do to fulfill my dreams of a daughter and you cannot put a price on that!

Today...I am still sad but trying to heal. I need to focus on me, helping to self care for myself again, start exercising again and eating better. This cycle really did a number on my body and it's time for me to do something good for myself. I would like to put myself in a healthier and better position for my next/last cycle, feel good about "me" and go into it w/ a fresh and healthy perspective both mentally and physically. So...I am thinking I would like to wait until Nov or Dec. Granted, part of me keeps wanting to postpone it b/c then I will always have that "chance." The minute I start cycle #2 I will no longer have "hope" or another "chance" to look forward to if it ends up to be another BFN.

So...while still grieving the loss of my two beautiful girls that were transferred I pulled myself up out of bed and headed to work today. When I drove into the parking lot (same one I always parked in for years) I see a little puppy sitting there. He walked up to the car and waited for me standing below my legs, awww it broke my heart, he was HOMELESS! Full of fleas and other little creatures, disheveled, odourous....I could not bear to leave him there, he looked at me w/ big brown eyes and he made me smile...just what I needed after yesterday's BFN news. Was this a coincidence? I do believe God provides for us and gives us the things in our life which we need and often don't expect. Another co-worker of mine whom parked right next to me and got to the parking lot ten minutes before me said there was not a puppy to be found when he got there! I just think it was too coincidental for it not to mean something. So I called my supervisor, told him I was rescuing a homeless puppy, put him in the car (threw up on my seat...ugh!) and took him to see the vetenarian for debugging, check up, scheduled to get vaccines tomm. Poor little guy. He was so scared, shaking, is so good and sweet....the boys were shocked to see mom bringing home a puppy, Codey could not talk enough about him "I love him so much mom" "thank you mom for brining him home" "I love you mom" "I am glad he found you mom" over and over and over....I know in my heart I did the right thing for this puppy, for me and my family! Chandler named him "Lucky" b/c he was lucky to be found by me or rather I am lucky he found me!!! Lol....Instantly the family fell in love w/ the name so "Lucky" it is!!! He has brightened my day, put smiles on the boys faces and even my husband is getting warmed up to him...We always thought about getting a dog, never knew what kind, or when so...it just never happened. Guess it was our time to add Lucky to our family :) He has added joy to our family already and as far as our dream for our daughter goes...it is still there, we are still dreaming, praying and hoping that cycle #2 will be our LUCKY cycle ")

Today I Am Still Pregnant!!!

I received the call today, my second beta number and IT DOUBLED!!!! I could not believe it, I finally cried, really cried! I am remaining hopeful, but remaining cautious and realistic too. I have read many stories on line of women w/ low beta numbers that rise several times and then suddenly drop and they miscarry and then I have read a few stories of low betas that continue to rise and result in a healthy baby! I pray for the latter...so today I am still pregnant, I go back in on Thurs for another beta. If it rises again I remain pregnant. If it drops at all then it's all over, this cycle that is. I have had many friends and family praying for me and our little girl, we joke that she is just a late bloomer, let's hope! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE PRAYERS!!! I love you all!

GOD Pleeeaasseeee.....

send us our dear daughter....I have not yet cried, but feel on the verge...so many emotions still praying for a miracle tomorrow yet trying to remain realistic and look forward to our frozen embryo transfer (FET). Recieved a letter from the fertility clinic today stating we have 4 frozen girl embryos (2 good to fair quality, 1 fair, and 1 less than fair) and the clinic is reccomending we defrost them all when we do our last transfer and just transfer the best. We very well could lose some in the proces of thawing them...THIS IS IT!!!! Really, when hubby and I decided to take this path we knew it was a gamble going into it. We made a list of the positive and negatives of going high tech and adoption and one of the big positives about adoption is that in the end we WOULD have our daughter. I can't help but to think had we stuck to the adoption plan we may have already been placed w/ her...my mind drifts off and wanders "what if" but we made this choice to take this gamble and here we are. If this does not work we can no longer adopt b/c of the cost and we would be paying off this IVF debt for the next 7 years! Hubby has given up so much financially as well for this so I could never ask for additional funds for adoption and it would not be fair to the boys either to put our family in such financial stress. Why does money always have to determine the ability to adopt and in some cases have more children biologically? It does not seem fair....If this does not work I really feel I need a break from all of this...it is emotionally draining me. I have exhausted my SL at work, my body feels worn and stressed not to mention extremely bloated still, I need to study for my LCSW test which I postponed due to this and if we went another cycle it would cost us another $3,200 which I would like to save for vs placing it on our CC. So I am leaning towards waiting a few months if indeed this cycle results in a BFN. Wow, I honestly believe this is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in life...and it is all of our my control. Like I said before it is in God's hands and I need to have true faith and belief that if this does not work there is a reason for it and I cannot question that.

Ok, my eyes are welting up, my heart feels broken, I am crying inside and yet feel so helpless....I will always say this, life is good, very good....however I feel a piece of me is missing without a daughter. I can't explain it, it is just there..........may God either bless us w/ our daughter or find the strength to help me find peace in accepting my life without a daughter. Only time will tell and I am trying to remain hopeful..........

Continued...Roller Coaster of Emotions

Went in for my first beta test (pg test) last Friday and was notified my beta level was a 3.4!!! Very, very low. It will most likely result in a chemical pregnancy, but COULD go up although not likely. Anything above a 3 is considered to be a pos pregnancy so technically I am pregnant right now, but I was told to be very cautious. The IVF coordinator told me in the last 19 yrs of doing this kind of work she had 1 woman w/ as low of a beta number as mine and it resulted in a healthy baby boy. Ok, that news is pretty daunting, but she did say it COULD happen. Hopefully my little girl is a late implanter....I HOPE!!! I expected to cry either way on Friday w/ joy or grieving my loss, but w/ these results I just could not cry. I don't have an answer, I feel fortunate that my numbers were just not negative (under 3) but scared that they will not double by next Tues which is when I was told to come back to the clinic for another beta test. So, for now I continue my medications and wait until Tues.....All I can say is that I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best!!!!!

I'M ADDICTED!!!

Chandler made this plate of our family which says "Get well, I love you Mom"

Codey made this plate for me, a picture of me, Chandler and Codey which says "I Love You Mom"

Chandler's plate

Codey's plate

.......to HPT's!!!! I was warned, once I started taking HPT's I would not be able to stop and now they seem to consume my mind...first thing this morning I tested and BFN! Ugh! I am not letting myself get sick to my stomach about it and I really am keeping a positive frame of mind, but there is still a small bit of me of inner sadness just to even think that just maybe this may not work. We have or rather I have dreamt of a little girl for YEARS and a failed cycle would be heartbreaking....I know we are fortunate to have extra embryos but I don't want to have to endure another cycle if I don't have to...why is this so hard? I am not sure if the internet is my worst enemy or best friend...I find myself consumed, searching for information in hopes that I still have hope. Grasping on to every bit of hope that may be left. I am now 8dp4dt (8 days past a 4 day transfer) or 12DPO (12 days past ER). From most of the information obtained, I have learned that most women recieve BFP's between 11-14DPO and some even later. Some never receive a BFP on HPT's and go on to having positive beta numbers and are pregnant! I believe this can STILL happen. Now that I have started HPT's I can't stop, plan to test tomm and Thurs, beta on Fri. In some ways, I am trying to prepare myself for the news on Friday. I have decided that if we have to move on to cycle #2 I am not going to take HPT's although I am sure it would be tempting again, but they are not doing me any good right now, I wish I had not started. I may have felt differently though had I received a BFP by now...either way I do believe it adds a bit of anxiety when it does not go as planned. SO I continue to wait......

My rash is getting a bit better, does not itch, just looks very unpleasant! I am using a medicated powder on my neck and chest which seems to help so hopefully it will continue to clear up. All this has given me a new perspective on natural conception. I have always had appreciation for the birth of my two sons, being able to naturally conceive them, but now that we are going through IVF it really puts a lot in perspective. Regardless of this outcome, I cannot and will not forget I am already blessed!

So....I spoke about my boys surprising me w/ plates they decorated while I was resting after my ET...boys thought I was home b/c I was not feeling well so they hand made me plates telling me to feel better. I ADORE THEM!!!! They brightened my day and I will always treasure them. Everytime I look at them they make me smile :)

Roller Coaster of Emotions!!!!!

I feel like my emotions are all over the place today, up until now my HPT's have been BFN's. It was reccomended that I use the First Response Early Response (FRER) HPT so I picked up a few on my way home from work today. I curiously used one when I got home, another BFN! I know that it is best to use FMU so I will try it again first thing in the morning. I am reading that there are still many women that receive BFP's between days 6-10 and even a few up to day 12. I am being told I am still early. I have read that a few other women get BFN's all the way up to their beta day testing and then their beta numbers begin doubling and they are indeed pregnant although they received negative HPT's up until the beta test. So, all of those stories give me hope! I felt a bit crushed having recieved another negative test today though as I was hoping this new test would be a bit more accurate. Maybe it is...and this is just not working...so hard to know. All I can say is the 2WW period is emotionally draining. I do feel like I am able to manage/cope w/ these feelings well w/ thoughts always in the back of my mind that this could very well likely work too!!!!! My husband says that when it is meant to happen it will. I just don't want to go through another cycle again if I do not have to! This cycle is really taking it's toll on my poor body. My stomach has bloated out significantly (unable to button and zip most pants!) and over this weekend my skin suddenly began breaking out all over my chest, neck and face :( It has not gone away and the doctor feels it is contributed to the progesterone in oil shots. Yep, I think out of all the injectable medications this has by far been the worst between the bloating and the skin breakouts. Hopefully I will have a baby out of it and it will be well worth it!!! I have come to realize that this is in God's hands and I have no control over this outcome other than taking percautions to not overdo myself. I do believe as my husband pointed out that when she is meant to enter this world she will whether it is this cycle, the next, the next or maybe never...what is meant to be for our family will happen and I need to find peace and acceptance in that.....

Record High for July!!!

Well, I heard it on the news...AZ hit a record high for temps for the month of July and it will go down as a record month. So how does one stay cool in this grueling heat??? The boys figured it out...Just look!

The 2WW Game!

I am officially in the 2 wk waiting period and it is so difficult to be patient. Well, I have never been much of a patient person for things even as a child so this should not surprise me...but this is very difficult. The unknown, BUT I am remaining positive. Occasionally the thought of "what if" pops into my mind of it not working, but for the majority of the time I have remained positive and for the most part a feeling of calmness and peace. From the reading I have done some have many symptoms and some have none and still end up w/ their BFP. So I am trying not to overanalyze every twitch my body feels. Here is a run down of my symptoms so far...not that it will account for anything, but only one can hope!

Day 1/Transfer date 7/27: Mild cramping, difficulties sleeping/waking up frequently
Day 2: Mild cramping , poor sleep again
Day 3: A bubbly feeling, stomach making bubbling noises
Day 4: Some bubbly feelings again, occasional cramps here and there, 5 min of extreme tightness in lower abdomen, headache, slept better though
Day 5: Woke up w/ headache, more cramping today- had acupuncture

I must admit I took a pregnancy test although I know it is very early and most don't receive their BFP's until the 10th-15th day, sometimes 17th day...but it was a BFN. I am not feeling discouraged b/c I know it is early...I am trying to remain patient but not easy for me. Positive thoughts from family and friends have been helpful! Many continued prayers....

By the way, according to my acupuncturist he said the first time one attempts IVF there is a 35-40% chance of pregnancy w/ acupuncture increasing that number another 15-25%. Within 3 cycles, one would have an 80% chance of becoming pregnant. What daunting numbers...but I read one woman say "the odds are in your favor" and I do believe they are. I guess this means that I cannot let myself get too discouraged if this first cycle does not take b/c for many it doesn't and it is nice to know I have four frozen embryos to use for an additional two cycles if needed (although two graded less in quality), BUT lets believe for now that they will not be needed and my one or two little girlies in my tummy are making themselves a nice home :)

OK....BREAK TIME...about my sweet boys! They have one week left at grandma's boot camp (so we call it...Lol!) and then off to school on 8/10! I cannot believe it. Hubby and I have an appt next Thurs at the school to find out whom the boys are assigned to for next years teacher. Chan will be in 3rd and Codey in 1st! They are growing so big!!! They have mastered swimming in grandma's pool, they are even swimming laps!! I am jealous of their little tan bodies too!

And....while I was laid up on the sofa after my ET the boys knew mom was not feeling well (unsure why, but did not ask which was good I suppose) and they made little colored plates for me, decorated them all by themselves and surprised me w/ them saying, "feel better mommy." I love them and will have to take pictures of them and post on here next...they are just adorable and a wonderful keepsake to treasure for years to come!

I could not have asked for sweeter sons and a more understanding husband. I am sure I have not been the easiest to please all these past years....let's just say my husband has done a lot for me, taken many steps to ensure I was/am happy even if it meant putting my needs at times above his own and I am so appreciative of that and all he has given me to include this attempt at our baby girl! This would not be possible without his willingness to participate (of course!) and support throughout this process. I am already blessed in so many ways!

Two Beautiful Girls!!!

I did it! I arrived to the fertility clinic today and the lab came to speak to me to discuss our PGD results. We had 7 girl embryos, 2 which were very good quality which were transferred back into me today. 1 of them is what they call "compact" which is the point the embryo needs to progress to so it can be frozen...so we for sure have 1 that will be frozen as a back up if for some reason these 2 don't take. The other 4 need to continue to be watched in the lab to see if they continue to grow to the "compact" stage. If they do then they will be frozen too. Hopefully they do get there...today I have feeling satisfied and blessed for even having 2 embryo girls to transfer. I know some women go through this process and never get to this point I am at...sometimes none of the embryos fertilize, sometimes they only end up w/ the opposite gender they were hoping for...there is so much that goes into this, emotionally, financially, what an overall investment, but a very well worth one in the end if I can hold my baby girl nine months from now. I pray every night for her and now can only wait.....only time will tell and I continue to hold faith....for now I pray that my little beans stick!

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who have supported me through this process. It has been a bit emotional, but their support and positive thoughts/prayers have made all the difference. Thank you!!!!!!

Fertilization Report!!

I got the call and out of 33 eggs I have 25 mature and 12 fertilized and looks like a few others are growing...just a bit slower so they may be usable as well. I am so excited...they are going to do the PGD on them tommorrow most likely and then my ET is scheduled for Monday at noon!!! I pray we have enough healthy girl embryos to transfer two and freeze some too just in case the two we transfer don't take then we will have something to fall back on. Hopefully though this one time will be it for us...will bring us to our long awaited baby girl! Grow babies grow!!!!!!!!!

ER Results!

The doctor was able to retrieve 33 eggs!!!! I am so very excited, but still nervous since I do not know how many have been fertilized. I am praying that most of them are mature and do fertilize! I am hoping for some good numbers before we move onto the PGD process! I pray our baby girl is on her way.......

Egg Retrieval

I got the call today!!! I trigger tonight and go in at 5:15a on Thurs for my ER. I can't believe it is here. I should know after the retrieval how many eggs were retrieved and then I will receive the fertility report I believe the following day on how many actually fertilized. Unfortunately the PGD process can be harsh on the embryos so I do risk losing some in the process, hope I don't lose too many and hoping for some strong hatching healthy girl embryos!!!

I will try and update soon....Thank you to all my friends and family for their thoughts and prayers. May our little girl find her way to us......

Trigger?

Looks like I will most likely trigger tommorrow night which means that I will have my egg retrieval (ER) on Thurs!!!! I have had several u/s and blood work appts this past week and all looks good. I have approx 22 eggs that they could tell from the u/s. My doctor lowered the dosage of my Repronex this past weekend and right about now I am feeling very bloated!!! I am excited for these next two weeks...hard to believe it's here... finally! The shots have gotten much easier too which has been a blessing :-)

I will update w/ more news when I have it.

I DiD IT!!!

Whoo-hooo!!! Today was day one of my injectables, Repronex and Follistim and I did it! I was VERY nervous about ensuring that I gave myself the proper dosage, mixed the Repronex correctly and injected it correctly. They are are both subcutaneous shots (under the skin vs in the muscle) and I injected them in my tummy. I have never had to give myself shots before so this was a very big step but definently a well worth one if it brings us our little girl....just another step of many but we are getting CLOSER "-)

Medications!

Here are my medications for my upcoming IVF cycle (most of them, some required refrigeration so are stashed away in there). Thankfully my insurance company covered most of the cost and I saved approx $2,500!!! However on the downside I had many, many issues around getting my medications to me appropriately. The first time they were shipped they sat in a box in the hot sun in front of my house for 4 hrs!!! Several of the medications needed to be room temperature and w/ our AZ heat I was so afraid that the medications were damaged. After several calls to my insurance companys retail pharmacy they offered to go ahead and send me a replacement. I was extremely relieved. After this cycle being such a financial investment I did not want to risk the medications being damaged by the heat. So I have received the replacement and am scheduled to start the injectables this Sat!! I feel so overwhelmed w/ the whole process. Here's my schedule so far:

7/9: Ultrasound

7/11: Start Follistim and Repronex (take these until end of cycle)

7/13: Bloodwork

7/15: Ultrasound

7/16: Begin Ganerelix in addition to Follistim and Repronex

Ovidrel: Trigger shot prior to retrieval

Potential Retrieval: 7/21-7/25

Potential Transfer: 7/25-7/29

Will be required to take Prednisone, Doxycycline, Progesterone in Oil post egg retrieval and transfer, Estrogen Patch and baby aspirin post transfer.

I am doing my best to educate myself about all these medications, but it is a lot and one of them requires me to mix the chemicals together first before injecting. I am so afraid of making a mistake, but I know these are all normal feelings given this being my first time experiencing this. Hopefully it will be my only time given a successful outcome!

I am continuing w/ acupuncture, hopefully it is helping...hard to believe we started this process (called the fertility clinic) back in February and we are finally getting to this point!! I am trying to stay calm (although not easy) and doing my best to remain positive....

The Blackberry Curve

My husband surprised me w/ a new phone yesterday, the new Blackberry Curve. After familiarizing myself w/ some of the features I have come to really like this phone. It has a lot of really cool features to include a camera, video, voice recording and others...it is smaller and lighter than my previous Blackberry phone. Thanks sweet hubby of mine, I think it's a keeper!!!!

Sonohysterogram

Last Monday I went in for a sonohysterogram andI had no idea what to expect. As much as I knew it was a test to ensure that I did not have any abnormalities in my uterus. The IVF coordinator make it sound like it was a very simple procedure, no side effects etc...Well, I just want to say that I was relieved that I had it after work and not before b/c by the time I got home I was cramping and bent over in pain. The procedure itself did not take all that long, maybe 10-15 min and it felt like a hard pinch from within, but w/ only a little bit of crampiness I was able to get up off the table and walk out of the office thinking the procedure was not all that difficult. Uncomfortable, but not too painful. I even stopped at the grocery store on my way home and was fine but several hrs after being home I laid on the sofa in pain so much that I went to bed at 8p w/ a heating pad on my tummy looking for some type of relief. Everytime I rolled I hurt and felt like I had a weight in my lower abdomen that kept shifting. By the next morning, the pain was much more tolerable but still hurt. It hurt to walk, bend over, it felt inflammed inside, pushing on my abdomen hurt...I was beginning to think I had developed an infection and contacted my doctor. I was offered an appt early the next morning. I did not want to miss more work and am trying to save my time so I notified the nurse I would call first thing in the morning the following day if I was still in pain. As the day went on I started to feel a little better which was a great sign that maybe this wasn't an infection and nothing but post soreness after the procedure. I had not developed a fever and although in a significant amt of pain I was not in enough pain that would require me to check into the ER so I thought I would be fine. By the next day I felt amazing! Normal! What a great feeling...I survived the procedure without an infection and the good news was that my doctor told me that the test results looked great, nothing to be concerned about so on to the next step......

This has certainly turned into quite a process, a journey that I hope has a happy ending...my friend Brenda just notified me of someone in her family that transferred three embryos (first time doing IVF) and she is pregnant. Sometimes risks do pay off and I pray this one does. For we have more love to give, open arms for a precious sweet little girl....her brothers are waiting for her as we are.....and above all regardless of how this journey ends...I am one blessed mommy to have my two beautiful sons who are already miracles to me, a blessing that will forever fill my heart w/ joy and I am thankful for that!

Acupuncture

Today was my first day of acupuncture and it went well. The acupuncturist has two offices including one right out of his home. His home office was much closer so that is where I went. I honestly did not know what to expect. I filled out some paperwork on my medical history and off we went to a little room in his home set aside for this. He was very nice and it was very relaxing. I have been cramping a little in my calves and forearms...not sure if that is normal, but otherwise feel great! He said he would be targeting my ovaries and stress which is great since I do have a fairly high stress job. My overall opinion...I think I picked the wrong profession, Lol! How nice would it be to work from your home, stick a few needles in someone and walk away for a half hour and then get paid! :-) I have a large amount of respect for this profession though...I hear nothing but wonderful things about it and it can truly target so many different "problem" areas including allergies...very interesting. Anyway...I thought I would share my experience. It is reccomended that I do acupuncture 1x/wk and he reccomended it at least one month in advance before ET so I am starting just at the right time. My next session is scheduled for next Wed.....more later....

Our Little Remodel Project...

So...after three yrs of living in our current house we finally decided to remodel the boys room. I wish I had taken "before pictures" (sorry Jana!) but here is the finished room. I had picked out the colors a while ago...love them! (blue and tan although the walls look white in these pictures) So while the boys were at my grandparents hubby and I went to work...slaving day after day after getting home from work finishing the room in a week...off to Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond we went to get coordinating sheets, blankets, a cute little night table and lamp, curtains, etc...oh yes and to Home Depot for new wood blinds. The other ones were falling apart and were old...were here when we moved in. The boys picked out a superhero picture at the store of their liking and I "approved" it since it had coordinating colors...Lol! By the way, the boys bunk bed was parallel to eachother and we took out the bottom bunk, ordered a new full mattress and turned the mattress around...they have so much more space now and Codey just LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his new bed!!!! His cousin is over visiting right now and they are camping out in his new bed together. It sure beats the blow up airmatress on the side of Codey's bed during previous visits! Now...if only I could start painting PINK now....I have the perfect colors and nursery in mind...I just need to know that I will have a sweet little princess to fill the room ") Just maybe one of these days....

By the way, I decided to try acupuncture and tomorrow is my first session...never before have I tried acupuncture, but I thought w/ all the positive evidence around IVF and acupuncture it sure could not hurt! I will keep you posted on my thoughts.........

This is it...the count down!

Hubby and I had an appt at the fertility clinic today to sign consent forms and discuss our upcoming IVF schedule. Of course this is all tentative b/c things could change along the way depending on how my body reacts to the medications, etc....there are so many factors and hopefully I can avoid getting OHSS during all of this as well. So many risks...so many things to take into consideration...but like our IVF coordinator told us...we need to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME! I am trying to do this, but not always easy. Ok so here's our tentative schedule:

Continue taking BC pills until 7/6/09
Start Stim Plan (stimulation medications) on 7/11/09
Potential Egg Retrieval between 7/21-7/25/09
Potential Embryo Transfer 7/25-7/29/09

Wow....hard to believe it's right around the corner. SO....if this works then I will find out I am PG very early Aug!!!! I am contemplating acupuncture. The evidence is all very positive showing a positive correlation between acupuncture and positive IVF cycle outcomes. I have never done acupuncture before so I am not sure what to expect. I want to know at the end of this (which probably are one and only chance) that I did all that I could if things do not end up favorably. Over and over again I hear wonderful things about acupuncture and I do not want to regret having not tried if this does not work although it would be hard to even know if that was the "breaking piece" to it all. So the fertility clinic provided me a referral, reccomendation to begin now, 1-2x/wk (heard 1x/wk is usually fine) and then right before and right after the embryo transfer (ET). Think I am going to give them a call on Monday.

Again, I cannot thank hubby for all his support through all of this. It has emotionally and financially affected us both and he continues to sit by my side along this very emotional rollercoaster ride. I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! Among many other things of course :) Speaking of the financial aspect of things....this is a lot of money and I realize that but if it works it will be more than worth it, but if not...well, I have to feel good about the fact that we gave it our all and at least tried. Along these same lines if we do not end up w/ extra girl embryos to freeze this will be the end of the ride (given I am not PG in the end) as I cannot do another cycle and place my family in further debt. It's not fair to the family, hubby or the boys so I am attempting to stay realistic in all of this too. BUT for the present, I still have the chance and will do all I can to give it everything I have!

Appreciate all my wonderful friends whom have provided me ongoing support, thoughts and prayers along this process. I love you all!!!!

Day One...IVF Update

First of all my apologies for getting so behind on my blog. Life gets busy and it is just hard to keep up sometimes. Update on the IVF process: Hubby completed the TESA procedure and all went well, we have four frozen vials of sperm to work with which should be enough for one IVF cycle. (I HOPE!!!) The clinic unfroze one of the tubes to make sure sperm was present and there was which was great news, but there is no way of knowing whether sperm is present in the other four vials b/c if we unfroze them we would lose them. We can only assume that since there was in one than there will be in the remainder frozen four vials so I trying to stay optomistic. So...now the rest of this is up to me, how my body will respond the the medications, how many eggs my body produces, the quality of the eggs etc...I am trying to take it all one day/step at a time so it does not become overwhelming. I have heard that eating a high protein, low carb diet will help to improve the quality of eggs so I am going to give it a try. I am saying that today is day one b/c I am starting the first step today...BC Pills. Hubby and I are meeting up again w/ the IVF Coord this Friday to sign consent forms and have any questions we may have answered. I need to make a list b/c I keep thinking of more to ask. I am not sure how long I need to be on each of the different medications yet, but I know for sure that the egg retrieval and transfer will take place in July so if all works I should expect to be pregnant in July. Hubby seems to think it should work since I have two bio sons that did not take a lot of work, but I hear many stories of women who were able to conceive their children easily and then when it came to IVF they had difficulties...and vice versa. So, what gives? I just think it is such an individualized experience. Our bodies react so differently given different situations...all I can do on my end is remain hopeful, try and keep myself from becoming too stressed/self care and THINK POSITIVE! I believe the mind is powerful and can make a difference in a successful or unsuccessful cycle. Finally, I have faith that if we are meant to have our little girl this way then it will happen...if it does not...although I know extremely heartbreaking...our little girl will find her way to us another way.....

I asked another mom whom did IVF/PGD for her daughter, ended up w/ triplet girls of any advice she may have for me...well, along w. some feedback on the right vitamins, the right foods, she stated, "I prayed like I never prayed before." I believe there is a lot in that.....

Off to the FIRST GRADE!!

The Kindergarten class

Codey and his teacher Mrs. Impson

Receiving his diploma!

My Codey graduated kindergarten today!!!! We are so very proud of him. They sang lots of really cute songs, showed a video of their school year and then we had cake and took lots of pictures! Where does the time go???? I keep saying before I know it he will be graduating college!!!!!

Picasso???

Chandler and his portfolio (see brother Codey in the back wreaking havoc!)

One of my personal favorites~

I couldn't draw this!

Chandler's famous works of art~

Chandler brought home all his artwork from his second grade art class. I must say...I was quite impressed! I am pleased that the schools encourage art and creativity. I believe art is so therapeutic and allows both adults and children to express themselves in ways they may not have been able to do otherwise. For me, well I am not an artist by any means, I lack creativity especially when it comes to decorating my home. I just don't have the knack for picking the right colored walls, the right furniture...I tend to feel everything needs to match and then I end up w/ the same color all over my house and it becomes a bit overwhelming. I have dreamt of hiring an interior decorator to just walk through my home and "fix it" as neccesary, but could certainly never afford the expense! My mother on the other hand is creative, she majored in Art in college and can sit down a draw amazing sketches in just a matter of minutes. She loved to paint when we were young...so I certainly did not obtain that creativity gene from her :) So any creativity from my children can only be contributed to those traits that they obtained from grandma!!

WILD BOYS!!!

My boys LOVE to wrestle...whether it be on the floor, on the sofa, in their room, in our room, on the stairs everywhere I look they are taking off their shirts to wrestle eachother! Should I expect anything different from two boys?????

It's Mommy's Day!

Chan and I before my mommy's day dinner

Codey and I on Mother's Day before our special dinner together

And...Codey knows his mommy so well...yes I do wear lots of SHORT PANTS...Capris!! Lol!

Codey's book he made me...I love his artwork! That's me sitting on the end of his bed ;)

Codey made this....so cute!

Another gift from Chandler

Picture Chan made for me of him and I

Codey's heart he made me

Chandler's teapot he made in school for me

Codey's plant he brought home from school for me for Mother's Day

So this morning my boys woke me up w/ really sweet cards that they picked out, hubby gave me a really sweet card too and then they made a coupon for a free spa package of my choice!!! They must know me a little too well! I love massages, but the best gift of all is having my family! I told hubby how thankful I am for making me a mom and told the boys how special they are to me as without them I would not be a mom! We spent a wonderful day together and then all the boys (inc hubby) took me out to dinner to Black Angus. It was delicious...I had my favorite appetizer, fried zucchini, steak and topped it all off w/ chocolate cake w/ ice cream!!!

I love being a mom...I remember the day I found out I was pregnant w/ my first I was worried about everything, was he moving enough, would it be a healthy pregnancy, etc...and a friend of mine told me from this day forward you will worry for the rest of your life and she was right. The worry did not end w/ my pregnancy nor the day I delivered him...I worry everyday that he is safe and when I became pregnant w/ his brother the worry intensified b/c I had two beautiful sons to watch over now. I am sure when they are thirty and even forty I will still be worrying b/c that is just what mother's do! Having children has completed me and provided me a greater sense of fullfillment and purpose in life. They truly are a gift and I feel so blessed to be their mother!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you special mommy's! By the way, hubby will have his TESA procedure this week....we are one step closer to our princess (I hope!)