I'M ADDICTED!!!

Chandler made this plate of our family which says "Get well, I love you Mom"

Codey made this plate for me, a picture of me, Chandler and Codey which says "I Love You Mom"

Chandler's plate

Codey's plate

.......to HPT's!!!! I was warned, once I started taking HPT's I would not be able to stop and now they seem to consume my mind...first thing this morning I tested and BFN! Ugh! I am not letting myself get sick to my stomach about it and I really am keeping a positive frame of mind, but there is still a small bit of me of inner sadness just to even think that just maybe this may not work. We have or rather I have dreamt of a little girl for YEARS and a failed cycle would be heartbreaking....I know we are fortunate to have extra embryos but I don't want to have to endure another cycle if I don't have to...why is this so hard? I am not sure if the internet is my worst enemy or best friend...I find myself consumed, searching for information in hopes that I still have hope. Grasping on to every bit of hope that may be left. I am now 8dp4dt (8 days past a 4 day transfer) or 12DPO (12 days past ER). From most of the information obtained, I have learned that most women recieve BFP's between 11-14DPO and some even later. Some never receive a BFP on HPT's and go on to having positive beta numbers and are pregnant! I believe this can STILL happen. Now that I have started HPT's I can't stop, plan to test tomm and Thurs, beta on Fri. In some ways, I am trying to prepare myself for the news on Friday. I have decided that if we have to move on to cycle #2 I am not going to take HPT's although I am sure it would be tempting again, but they are not doing me any good right now, I wish I had not started. I may have felt differently though had I received a BFP by now...either way I do believe it adds a bit of anxiety when it does not go as planned. SO I continue to wait......

My rash is getting a bit better, does not itch, just looks very unpleasant! I am using a medicated powder on my neck and chest which seems to help so hopefully it will continue to clear up. All this has given me a new perspective on natural conception. I have always had appreciation for the birth of my two sons, being able to naturally conceive them, but now that we are going through IVF it really puts a lot in perspective. Regardless of this outcome, I cannot and will not forget I am already blessed!

So....I spoke about my boys surprising me w/ plates they decorated while I was resting after my ET...boys thought I was home b/c I was not feeling well so they hand made me plates telling me to feel better. I ADORE THEM!!!! They brightened my day and I will always treasure them. Everytime I look at them they make me smile :)