I DID IT!!!!!

It has been a long time coming, but it finally happened...I passed my LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) exam!! From the day I graduated w/ my MSW it was a goal of mine to become LCSW certified. Shortly after graduating I obtained my LMSW (licensed master of social worker) certificate then went on to work towards obtaining my LCSW which required two years of clinical supervision. I can at last breathe now, it's OVER!!!! Finally, I feel I have let go of one more stressor in my life, a big one at that. During my last IVF cycle I still continued to stress over it and even postponed taking the exam at one point so I could focus on my IVF cycle. With having achieved my goal I now feel that much more prepared to go into another IVF cycle. We of course are going to wait to save up the money so we do not have to put it on credit, but this will be one less thing on my mind now....not to mention I am going to sleep better now too!

Boys got their school pictures back today, they are just so cute. They dressed themselves (matching!) the day of pictures. Normally I help to pick out their outfits and encourage them to change if they are not matching etc...but this time I let them do it all themselves. I figured if anything it would be a memory and they did. They turned out great. If I can ever figure out how to scan them I will post them :)

We are leaving next week to OR (actually leaving this coming Fri) for a week vacation and I am looking so forward to this break w/ my mom, husband, boys, brother and nephew. We are going to visit my grandfather and the boys have never been up to visit him at his home before so I am really looking forward to showing them around. We plan to do some fishing, lots of fishing opportunities which the boys will enjoy! Looking forward to some cooler weather too although I must say the last few days here have been amazing!

Not much else is going on...Lucky is marking his territory by digging up our backyard! We bought a cute little tree that we planted in the backyard and well...that did not last long unfortunately...poor thing did not have a chance. We must have reburried it four or five times until we realized it was just not going to make it...ugh! He's a puppy!

Better days...

Hoping for better days to come, these past few wks have been rough. I thought I was coping well w/ the loss at our first attempt to have a daughter, I surprisingly was overall handling the situation well over the past month or so however I can now say it is finally hitting me, hitting me hard. Not a day goes by I don't think about her or see something that reminds me of her...I am part of an on line support group and recently wrote about my feelings surrounding this issue and the ways I am attempting to cope w. it all and I was amazingly surprised that many other women are experiencing the same feelings or had at one time experienced them and went on to become pregnant through their FET (frozen embryo transfer). THIS IS MY HOPE, we have four frozen embryos left, most likely one will not make it through the defrost process but I SHOULD hopefully have three to transfer. My RE said I should have a good chance if we even have two to work with. As quickly as I would love to jump into another cycle I realize I am just not ready, emotionally, physically and financially. We are now paying on a loan that we have absolutely NOTHING to show for and that is so hard to swallow, emotionally I am not ready, I have a lot going on w/ work and am planning to take my LCSW exam next week so until I pass that exam I will need to postpone my cycle. It is too much to handle during my cycle, although I did not feel I was stressing about it for my first cycle it was always on the back of my mind. I want to be as stress free as possible for our next cycle and I am just not there right now. In addition hubby and I have decided that we want to save the money for this next cycle rather than place it on more credit so that will take us some time and physically I know it would be beneficial to lose a few lbs before my next attempt too so I am doing my best to be more active. Lucky keeps me running in the evenings now several days a week so hopefully that will help.....I guess I just feel at a loss right now, how do I get through these next several months or so until we try this again? How do I even begin to cope w/ the feeling possibly of having another failed cycle? I don't have a plan after that, I know in my heart I will need to move on. My family is just amazing and I am already blessed in so many ways, I will say that over and over, but I still and have for years now had this overwhelming desire to balance my family w/ a daughter. I can honestly say I wish I did not have these feelings b/c it is miserable to feel this way, like a piece of me is just missing. I am scared of feeling let down again, scared of another loss, and being left w/ nothing but a bill that I will be paying on for the next several yrs to come. How do you cope w/ this and the idea that having a daughter may never happen despite multiple efforts??? How far do you go to chase your dream? I know I cannot ask anymore of my husband after all of this, he has been nothing but supportive to me along this journey and many past journeys. I also know that I cannot put our family into anymore debt after this next/final cycle, it would not be fair to my husband or boys so...I am trying to just occupy my thoughts, stay busy w. my family and continue to hold onto my dream of one day having MY daughter......

My husband has agreed to most likely put our tax return money towards our next cycle. I am very excited about that! I am really struggling w/ the idea that this is just out of my hands and there is nothing I can or anyone can say or do that will make a difference as to whether this next cycle will be successful or not. I know I need to have full faith and believe that if this is meant to be it will and if not than there is a reason although I most likely will not understand or see it at the moment.

I have good days and not so good lately in thinking about all of this, I can't help but to think had we adopted we would MOST LIKELY have our sweet girl by now, but I cannot let my thoughts go there, we chose this journey for a reason and I need to hold belief and maintain faith in that.

I have been thinking of all the things I am looking forward to such as our upcoming trip to OR to see Papa Duck, Halloween, possible Disneyland trip and of course Christmas (my favorite). The boys picked out their costumes, Codey is a ninja and Chandler is a knight. I am glad they did not go w/ some of the other costumes, some are pretty disturbing especially for children! I must say that Halloween costumes have gone up in price too, it was actually ridiculous the amt we spent...I now understand why so many parents make their children's costumes. If I had the the time and skill it takes to stitch together something I would, but anyone that knows me knows how NOT domestic I am...I can barely cook and well, other than putting buttons back on I am pretty much at a loss w. sewing!!! Lol!

Ok, I better get some sleep. Not sure what has been going on w. me this past week...hubby went on a cruise w/ his family and since he has been gone I cannot sleep!! He will be back tomorrow so I will anxiously be awaiting his return and may finally be able to get some sleep too :)

New MD Appt

Today I met w/ the new RE that I had planned to switch to. The appt went very well, I felt he was really listening to me. He did a thorough review of my chart and said that he was very surprised that my last cycle was unsuccessful since I have a regular cycle and all my labs/tests were normal. He said he would have given me a 68% chance of it working. At this point, we now need to figure out what went wrong. Adult diabetes runs in my family (father, uncle, grandmother) and he said it would be critical that we rule out any sign of diabetes in me b/c if I was diabetic or mildly diabetic it would most likely cause me to miscarry really early on. I thought that was very interesting, I had never heard that before. He also wants to run a few additional tests that my previous RE did not run so that should all help, of course it all adds to the cost again if my insurance does not pick them up...ugh! I want to do everything I can though to ensure we did our best at making this work. He also said that he is going to take a different approach w/ medications, place me on Lupron instead of Ganirelex and put me on both the progesterone creams and injections. In addition he said that FET's are often more successful that the fresh cycles and taking birth control pills before really increases the success rate of FET's for some reason. The protocol is used often for FET and fresh but he made a point to say that it really increases success rates for FET's. I found that encouraging. He reccomended we do the acupuncture again too. He said w/ all the percautions he will be putting in place it will increase my risk of multiples and at present their facility is running a 40% chance of twins. He too has twin girls from IVF. I felt really at peace talking w/ him and made a point of telling him this was our very last chance at this and he said we would do everything possible to make it a successful cycle....I pray he is right!

So, the question now is when, when do we take this big step? I was thinking Nov/Dec but hubby would like to have the cash to pay for it so this may push us back several months. I would feel better paying cash for is vs placing in on our credit card so I am ok with waiting until early or mid next year too. My RE said I have up to 9 yrs to use my frosties!!!! Lol! I could not imagine waiting that long! YIKES! Anyway, I am excited, but yet very scared as this is our very last shot at this....I know it is really out of my hands and everyday I pray for peace in that whatever happens w/ this it will ultimately be for the best for me and for our family.

For now, I am enjoying my time again, no more injections, no more bloating/weight gain, I feel better about me...Lucky is keeping me in shape w/ all the runs and walks! Enjoying my boys, family and taking this time to study for my licensure exam. Either way...I know it will all work out.....

Today I am not pregnant....BFN :(

I received the call yesterday, an hour before my shift ended at work..."I am sorry, your levels dropped." My heart sank...why did they call me at work when I aksed specifically they call me on my cell to leave me a msg for fear that the news of a possible BFN would tear me apart at work? I swallowed, took a deep breath and attempted to hold my composure another hour until I could escape to my car to grieve. I did notify the nurse that I wanted to switch providers as I feel more comfortable w/ this other provider and she agreed. We are scheduled to meet w/ him on 9/14/09. It will be nice to sit down and hear some feedback from this doctor on our poss chances w/ the four frozen embryos we have left. This is our very last chance and that scares me to death! What if we received another BFN? All this emotional, physical and not to mention financial stress to only have nothing to show for it but monthly bills for the next 7 yrs??? That is a lot to swallow...I am grateful we are given another chance as many do not end up w/ extra embros to freeze. Our clinic reccomended unfreezing them all and using the best ones. Guessing we would probably transfer 3, usually (from what I hear) one more extra than I would normally transfer for an embryo cycle. We will know more once we meet w/ the new provider in Sept. For now, I am sad, I took a candle light bath last night and allowed myself to grieve this loss. I had been wanting to take a bath for so long, but couldn't as I was told to take percautions as not to casue an infection. With news of a BFN I jumped at my chance for a bath!!! I had a nice talk w/ my sweet husband afterwards that allowed me to emotionally grieve to him as well, he held me, supported me and looked me in the eyes and said, "It will all work out." That is what I needed to hear, he secured hope in me again, like putting a band-aid on a cut, he bandaged my broken heart. I love him so much for supporting my dream and if both cycles fail I know I will have gained much more, a life lesson on just what my husband was willing to do to fulfill my dreams of a daughter and you cannot put a price on that!

Today...I am still sad but trying to heal. I need to focus on me, helping to self care for myself again, start exercising again and eating better. This cycle really did a number on my body and it's time for me to do something good for myself. I would like to put myself in a healthier and better position for my next/last cycle, feel good about "me" and go into it w/ a fresh and healthy perspective both mentally and physically. So...I am thinking I would like to wait until Nov or Dec. Granted, part of me keeps wanting to postpone it b/c then I will always have that "chance." The minute I start cycle #2 I will no longer have "hope" or another "chance" to look forward to if it ends up to be another BFN.

So...while still grieving the loss of my two beautiful girls that were transferred I pulled myself up out of bed and headed to work today. When I drove into the parking lot (same one I always parked in for years) I see a little puppy sitting there. He walked up to the car and waited for me standing below my legs, awww it broke my heart, he was HOMELESS! Full of fleas and other little creatures, disheveled, odourous....I could not bear to leave him there, he looked at me w/ big brown eyes and he made me smile...just what I needed after yesterday's BFN news. Was this a coincidence? I do believe God provides for us and gives us the things in our life which we need and often don't expect. Another co-worker of mine whom parked right next to me and got to the parking lot ten minutes before me said there was not a puppy to be found when he got there! I just think it was too coincidental for it not to mean something. So I called my supervisor, told him I was rescuing a homeless puppy, put him in the car (threw up on my seat...ugh!) and took him to see the vetenarian for debugging, check up, scheduled to get vaccines tomm. Poor little guy. He was so scared, shaking, is so good and sweet....the boys were shocked to see mom bringing home a puppy, Codey could not talk enough about him "I love him so much mom" "thank you mom for brining him home" "I love you mom" "I am glad he found you mom" over and over and over....I know in my heart I did the right thing for this puppy, for me and my family! Chandler named him "Lucky" b/c he was lucky to be found by me or rather I am lucky he found me!!! Lol....Instantly the family fell in love w/ the name so "Lucky" it is!!! He has brightened my day, put smiles on the boys faces and even my husband is getting warmed up to him...We always thought about getting a dog, never knew what kind, or when so...it just never happened. Guess it was our time to add Lucky to our family :) He has added joy to our family already and as far as our dream for our daughter goes...it is still there, we are still dreaming, praying and hoping that cycle #2 will be our LUCKY cycle ")

Today I Am Still Pregnant!!!

I received the call today, my second beta number and IT DOUBLED!!!! I could not believe it, I finally cried, really cried! I am remaining hopeful, but remaining cautious and realistic too. I have read many stories on line of women w/ low beta numbers that rise several times and then suddenly drop and they miscarry and then I have read a few stories of low betas that continue to rise and result in a healthy baby! I pray for the latter...so today I am still pregnant, I go back in on Thurs for another beta. If it rises again I remain pregnant. If it drops at all then it's all over, this cycle that is. I have had many friends and family praying for me and our little girl, we joke that she is just a late bloomer, let's hope! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE PRAYERS!!! I love you all!

GOD Pleeeaasseeee.....

send us our dear daughter....I have not yet cried, but feel on the verge...so many emotions still praying for a miracle tomorrow yet trying to remain realistic and look forward to our frozen embryo transfer (FET). Recieved a letter from the fertility clinic today stating we have 4 frozen girl embryos (2 good to fair quality, 1 fair, and 1 less than fair) and the clinic is reccomending we defrost them all when we do our last transfer and just transfer the best. We very well could lose some in the proces of thawing them...THIS IS IT!!!! Really, when hubby and I decided to take this path we knew it was a gamble going into it. We made a list of the positive and negatives of going high tech and adoption and one of the big positives about adoption is that in the end we WOULD have our daughter. I can't help but to think had we stuck to the adoption plan we may have already been placed w/ her...my mind drifts off and wanders "what if" but we made this choice to take this gamble and here we are. If this does not work we can no longer adopt b/c of the cost and we would be paying off this IVF debt for the next 7 years! Hubby has given up so much financially as well for this so I could never ask for additional funds for adoption and it would not be fair to the boys either to put our family in such financial stress. Why does money always have to determine the ability to adopt and in some cases have more children biologically? It does not seem fair....If this does not work I really feel I need a break from all of this...it is emotionally draining me. I have exhausted my SL at work, my body feels worn and stressed not to mention extremely bloated still, I need to study for my LCSW test which I postponed due to this and if we went another cycle it would cost us another $3,200 which I would like to save for vs placing it on our CC. So I am leaning towards waiting a few months if indeed this cycle results in a BFN. Wow, I honestly believe this is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in life...and it is all of our my control. Like I said before it is in God's hands and I need to have true faith and belief that if this does not work there is a reason for it and I cannot question that.

Ok, my eyes are welting up, my heart feels broken, I am crying inside and yet feel so helpless....I will always say this, life is good, very good....however I feel a piece of me is missing without a daughter. I can't explain it, it is just there..........may God either bless us w/ our daughter or find the strength to help me find peace in accepting my life without a daughter. Only time will tell and I am trying to remain hopeful..........

Continued...Roller Coaster of Emotions

Went in for my first beta test (pg test) last Friday and was notified my beta level was a 3.4!!! Very, very low. It will most likely result in a chemical pregnancy, but COULD go up although not likely. Anything above a 3 is considered to be a pos pregnancy so technically I am pregnant right now, but I was told to be very cautious. The IVF coordinator told me in the last 19 yrs of doing this kind of work she had 1 woman w/ as low of a beta number as mine and it resulted in a healthy baby boy. Ok, that news is pretty daunting, but she did say it COULD happen. Hopefully my little girl is a late implanter....I HOPE!!! I expected to cry either way on Friday w/ joy or grieving my loss, but w/ these results I just could not cry. I don't have an answer, I feel fortunate that my numbers were just not negative (under 3) but scared that they will not double by next Tues which is when I was told to come back to the clinic for another beta test. So, for now I continue my medications and wait until Tues.....All I can say is that I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best!!!!!