Life's Lessons

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you crawl into bed and think, "hmmm...just maybe I could have spent more time w/ my son/daughter or maybe I could have handled that situation earlier a bit different or maybe I should have not worried so much about cleaning the house and focused more on the children" all those "if's and maybe's" that tend to haunt us as mothers. Wanting to be the best mother possible, but then secretly wondering if you are doing all you can do, reading enough each night to your child, spending "quality" time together enough, teaching them more things, tucking them in bed every night...the list could go on. Then on the flipside there are nights I crawl into bed and think "wow, we had a great day!" I spent lots of time w/ the kids, we played, laughed, learned a few things, etc....those are the moments that my heart fills w/ joy and I think "I can and am doing this...I am a mom." Well, today was one of those days that as I put the boys down and thought...we had a great night together....it started like this:
Work was difficult today, my phone was ringing constantly w. phone calls for assistance w/ nursing home placements for family members that cannot care for their loved one anymore, nursing home transfers, arranging transportation to medical appts, discussing claim/financial benefits, etc....then I get a call that a patient would like to see me, he is new to Phx, impulsively jumped on a plane from another state to AZ w. little funds, poor judgement/insight, homelss, etc....So as I work w/ this patient I am able to assist in many ways providing assistance w/ shelter, bus tickets and even a phone card, (patient denied all other services including medical and/or mental health assistance) but this patient remains unhappy, feeling entitled to more than I am able to offer/provide, demanding to speak to a supervisor, becoming verbally loud and aggressive, needing multiple redirections to calm himself and refocus on the topics and the ways in which I am able to assist him. Although there was other underlying mental health issues, this patient was adimantly unappreciative of the effort I was providing to assist him in overcoming his unfortunate situation, but one that he chose for himself but refuses to take responsibility for. Upon the patient leaving I closed my door and felt a feeling of sadness...the only word that came to my mind was "Appreciation" I did not feel appreciated despite the multiple efforts I had made to assist this patient (most likely this patient was not ready for the help he really needed). It made me think about all the families and patients that have reached out to me over the years to say "thank you" and what that meant to me as a social worker, to feel that I made a difference, that I was appreciated...these comments are what makes me wake up in the morning and think, "this is why I am a social worker" but today was a much different day. I did not walk away feeling appreciated although I realize I did my best....so....I shared some of these feelings upon going home w/ my boys and we sat and had a long conversation about "appreciation" and what it means to appreciate and be appreciated. The boys were extremely engaged and as a mom is was an amazing feeling to watch my children learn these important life lessons, to learn compassion for others, to appreciate even the small things that often go unnoticed. Chandler gave an example of how he helps another boy in school a lot and this boy never thanks him and how his lack of appreciation saddens him. We talked about the many good people in our lives and the few not so good that we can only hope to be role models for in hopes that one day those people can learn to model some of these positive behaviors. Chandler said he was sorry that I had such a rough day and that my patient was not appreciative and said that he hoped I would have a better day tomorrow and hopes that my patients appreciate me tomorrow. It was so very sweet. I think I am on the right track....my boys are loving and compassionate, empathetic boys that I have no doubt will grow into wonderful young men and as a mom....I am PROUD of that ;)

An Update!!!

So I was able to get a hold of the urologists nurse this morning and she scheduled the TESA procedure for 5/13!!! The sperm will be frozen and then I will start my medications after my next cycle, most likely beginning of June. It is all so hard to believe that this is actually happening, we are one step closer!!! Prayers for lots of healthy female sperm!!! I get a brief feeling of excitement, but then I try to control these emotions as I do not want to be dissapointed although I know I will be regardless if this doesn't work...guess I am just trying to protect my feelings and emotions...trying not to allow myself to get too excited but it is so hard b/c this is all finally happening and I can't help but to think about how this may bring us to our daughter. Well, these next few months will be interesting to say the least, but hopefully one day very soon I can look back and say every bit of this was all worth it b/c my daughter will be on her way!!!! I believe positive thinking can make a big difference so when I find myself doubting that this could actually happen I immediatly focus on replacing those negative thoughts w/ more positive ones. I often teach cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT) to the patients telling them how important our automatic thoughts are and how by replacing those thoughts w/ more positive ones we can in turn change our feeling and behaviors...it is extremely powerful. I am a large advocate of CBT techniques and truly believe it has a lot to offer patients in treatment. Sometimes it is much easier to speak words of wisdom than to practice them yourself........

Ok, off to bed...had a very busy day at work today and am overdue for my sleep :)

The Waiting Game...

Hubby had his appt w/ the urologist which I have eagerly been waiting for yesterday, soonest they could get him in was a month later so I had been counting down the days until this appt. It is neccesary that he see a urologist as the urologist will be performing the TESA procedure. I cannot start the medications until his part is complete. We antcipated that they would be setting the exact date for this procedure, but the urologist said he would get back to us after checking w/ his nurse to identify avail times. Ugh!!! So, I contacted the fertility clinic to notify the IVF Coordinator and she said we will most likely have to wait another cycle/month. So, looks like for sure in June I will be cycling. I just want to get things moving along! I guess I was hopeful that the urologist would be able to do this sooner and feel a bit let down. I keep telling myself "better late than never."

I attended the IVF class yesterday too and it was fairly informative. I have done a lot of research on the topic so much of it I was familiar with, but it was still educational. I am very nervous to start the stimulating and the progesterone injections. Sounded like the progesterone one is the most difficult as it is an oil base and thicker to inject w/ a 1.5" needle and is intramuscular!!!! It also worries me that so much of this is about timing. For example, if we messed up on the timing of the trigger shot (right before egg retrieval) then you would most likely risk messing up your entire cycle thus far! It is a lot to take in and of course the nurse talked about the emotional side of things, how this may interfere w/ your relationship, your mood, etc...and to try and be prepared in advance for the changes you may experience. She also talked about the outcome, pregnant or not pregnant reporting the success rate of pregnancies to be 50%. If if not pregnant, although devastating, the physicians can learn a lot by one cycle and will attempt to troubleshoot the problem for the next cycle attempt.

When I start to become alittle overwhelmed and begin questioning this decision I read a positive story where it DID WORK and those stories give me a glimmer of hope that this just may be possible.

So for now, I will attempt to think positive and hopefully get a date scheduled sometime relatively soon for the TESA procedure. A suggestion that was provided during the IVF class: take things one day at a time rather than overwhelming oneself w/ the outcome. Just to think that just for today I will take my injection and that will be one step closer to possibly having our sweet daughter. This I need to remember!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANDLER!!!

Introducing Chandler...my oldest son whom just celebrated b-day #8! I feel too young to have an eight year old already!!!! Pic by Jana

The famous Star Wars ice cream cake...YUM! Chandler LOVES ice cream ;) (or anything sweet for that matter!)

Chandler turns EIGHT!!!!!

Chandler's sixth birthday!

Chandler turns three! (Look at his sweet baby face) EVERYTHING was about Hulk...loved to talk about Hulk breaking our house down..."Hulk break house"

Chandler's first birthday!

My sweet Chandler turned eight yesterday. My brother, his wife and nephew came to visit on Sunday from Tucson, parents came over and we celebrated by going bowling (Chandler's pick of course!) I think I should have won a prize for the worst score, but I won't get started w/ that...Lol! We had a wonderful time and let's not forget the delicious ice cream (Star Wars) cake!! Chandler made out w/ gift certificates to the Lego store and made a trip to the mall on Monday to purchase two large Lego sets of his choice. He was beyond excited!! Just a note about my Chandler, he is my loving sweet boy always handing out kisses and hugs, asking mommy how her day went, wanting to be tucked in at night, and my very social boy...talk, talk, talk...and yet I was worried at one point that he was delayed in speech b/c he was not talking and later found out that he had fluid built up in his ears. He had tubes placed and took off from that point on....He is in second grade, playing baseball (1st time this year) and enjoys watching movies, cartoons and playing "battle" w/ his brother between their Star Wars Lego ships.

Where did my little bald headed baby go??? He dreams of being a race car driver...Mom's advice: Once you graduate college, you can be whatever you want to be. College comes first!

My mom once told me that you grieve the loss of your children as an infant, toddler etc...but at the same time you look forward to new experiences w/ your children at their present age. This could not be more truthful. I grieve my little Chandler, but love the big boy he has become and grown into.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAN-CHAN!

Tossing & Turning...

Last night I could not sleep, I began reading about other blogs that discuss IVF, I read a very inspiring story about a woman who had two children from a previous marriage and her husband had four children from a previous marriage. The husband obtained a vasectomy and the wife a tubal ligation. They both felt content w/ their decisions and felt their family was complete. They adopted eachother's children from their previous marriages. Well, throughout time they changed their mind wanting to add another little one to their family so they pursued IVF and TESA (sperm aspiration) and it worked the first time! The woman had their beautiful baby boy several weeks ago!! Stories like these give me hope and inspiration so needless to say I tossed and turned in bed w/ constant thoughts of IVF and I remember feeling so much anxiety and fear and fast forwarding quickly through the process and right as I was about to wake up I remember looking at a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was so happy....so tonight I am tired, heading to bed early. HOPEFULLY THIS DREAM COMES TRUE!

I applied for my state licensure for SW, LCSW and found out today my application was approved. This is great news, but now I need to really put my energy into studying. Ugh! I think it may be good for me to really refocus my thoughts for a bit and spend less time perseverating on my fertility plans. Just like any pregnancy, adoption, etc....there are good stories and no so good stories and sometimes all the reading I think adds to my stress although I do find some of the stories inspiring. I need to take it one day at a time and think positive, focus on my test and hope for positive outcomes in the end for them both!!!!

Three Blogs & A Splash of PINK!

I think I have completed my first record of blogs in a day!!! Guess I have had a lot on my mind lately...not to mention the boys are occupying themselves giving me the opportunity to blog! A friend of mine is having a baby shower in 2 wks so I went shopping and OF COURSE I cannot leave a baby store without purchasing a little something of PINK! So here is my latest purchase and yes it was on the sale rack like most of my purchases so I cannot feel too bad about purchasing it. I think it is so cute! I must admit though that I am shopping less for girl clothes...I think I am scared and nervous the closer the date gets to doing IVF. I fully understand IVF is a risk, we could be investing a lot of money into something that we have nothing to show for...this is my fear so the closer the date gets the more I find myself buying less for baby. I pray this happens, but what if it doesn't??? My hubby reminds me one day at a time so I take a deep breathe and try to replace all my fears with hope and optimism.....we will give it all we have!

Summer Shoes

Flip flops are my life, I live in them! I would have posed in them but after losing my toenail a few wks ago I thought you could probably live without that little visual :) I LOVE open toed shoes...have I said that before??? I remember running around in my bare feet as a child, had the perfect summer job as a lifeguard, oh life was so simple back then...something about the feel of bare feet on the warm summer sidewalk or in the warm sand on a sunny day at the beach! Did you know I married barefoot on the beach in Maui? So... this is a pair of my latest purchase and although they do not look too comfy they are very comfortable!!! I figure some day I am going to pay for all these days of wearing shoes w/ little or no support but until that day I will keep on walking in my shoes!

Where's my sofa???

My boys have been diligently working on forts day in and day out for the past several weeks. At one point the forts took over our entire living room leaving the rest of the family searching to just find a seat in the room! With a little persuasion from mom and dad they have moved to the sitting/family room and this is what is looks like! YIKES! As I sit here typing this I can hear the boys arguing with eachother about where the pillows should go, where to put the secret passage tunnels, etc...at one point I heard Codey talking about throwing a blanket over the hamster cage until Chandler told him not too as the hamsters would have no room to breathe! All I can say is BOYS! Do your little monkeys build forts too, if so where, do they consume your house, do you let them have their fun????

Soccer Boy...

I am loving that my boys are both into sports! I love watching them practice and going to their games. Needless to say our Saturdays are packed full of games now! This is Codey's second season playing soccer and Chandler's first season playing baseball. Codey has also just joined Chandler's baseball team as well. Codey is just learning to even hit the ball...dad has been practicing w/ them which has been helping...

These are pics of Codey's last soccer game...he is doing great, really learning to control the ball! Can I officially be called a "soccer mom" now?? Lol! Of course I am always standing on the sidelines w/ my camera in tote ready to catch every moment!