Today I am not pregnant....BFN :(

I received the call yesterday, an hour before my shift ended at work..."I am sorry, your levels dropped." My heart sank...why did they call me at work when I aksed specifically they call me on my cell to leave me a msg for fear that the news of a possible BFN would tear me apart at work? I swallowed, took a deep breath and attempted to hold my composure another hour until I could escape to my car to grieve. I did notify the nurse that I wanted to switch providers as I feel more comfortable w/ this other provider and she agreed. We are scheduled to meet w/ him on 9/14/09. It will be nice to sit down and hear some feedback from this doctor on our poss chances w/ the four frozen embryos we have left. This is our very last chance and that scares me to death! What if we received another BFN? All this emotional, physical and not to mention financial stress to only have nothing to show for it but monthly bills for the next 7 yrs??? That is a lot to swallow...I am grateful we are given another chance as many do not end up w/ extra embros to freeze. Our clinic reccomended unfreezing them all and using the best ones. Guessing we would probably transfer 3, usually (from what I hear) one more extra than I would normally transfer for an embryo cycle. We will know more once we meet w/ the new provider in Sept. For now, I am sad, I took a candle light bath last night and allowed myself to grieve this loss. I had been wanting to take a bath for so long, but couldn't as I was told to take percautions as not to casue an infection. With news of a BFN I jumped at my chance for a bath!!! I had a nice talk w/ my sweet husband afterwards that allowed me to emotionally grieve to him as well, he held me, supported me and looked me in the eyes and said, "It will all work out." That is what I needed to hear, he secured hope in me again, like putting a band-aid on a cut, he bandaged my broken heart. I love him so much for supporting my dream and if both cycles fail I know I will have gained much more, a life lesson on just what my husband was willing to do to fulfill my dreams of a daughter and you cannot put a price on that!

Today...I am still sad but trying to heal. I need to focus on me, helping to self care for myself again, start exercising again and eating better. This cycle really did a number on my body and it's time for me to do something good for myself. I would like to put myself in a healthier and better position for my next/last cycle, feel good about "me" and go into it w/ a fresh and healthy perspective both mentally and physically. So...I am thinking I would like to wait until Nov or Dec. Granted, part of me keeps wanting to postpone it b/c then I will always have that "chance." The minute I start cycle #2 I will no longer have "hope" or another "chance" to look forward to if it ends up to be another BFN.

So...while still grieving the loss of my two beautiful girls that were transferred I pulled myself up out of bed and headed to work today. When I drove into the parking lot (same one I always parked in for years) I see a little puppy sitting there. He walked up to the car and waited for me standing below my legs, awww it broke my heart, he was HOMELESS! Full of fleas and other little creatures, disheveled, odourous....I could not bear to leave him there, he looked at me w/ big brown eyes and he made me smile...just what I needed after yesterday's BFN news. Was this a coincidence? I do believe God provides for us and gives us the things in our life which we need and often don't expect. Another co-worker of mine whom parked right next to me and got to the parking lot ten minutes before me said there was not a puppy to be found when he got there! I just think it was too coincidental for it not to mean something. So I called my supervisor, told him I was rescuing a homeless puppy, put him in the car (threw up on my seat...ugh!) and took him to see the vetenarian for debugging, check up, scheduled to get vaccines tomm. Poor little guy. He was so scared, shaking, is so good and sweet....the boys were shocked to see mom bringing home a puppy, Codey could not talk enough about him "I love him so much mom" "thank you mom for brining him home" "I love you mom" "I am glad he found you mom" over and over and over....I know in my heart I did the right thing for this puppy, for me and my family! Chandler named him "Lucky" b/c he was lucky to be found by me or rather I am lucky he found me!!! Lol....Instantly the family fell in love w/ the name so "Lucky" it is!!! He has brightened my day, put smiles on the boys faces and even my husband is getting warmed up to him...We always thought about getting a dog, never knew what kind, or when so...it just never happened. Guess it was our time to add Lucky to our family :) He has added joy to our family already and as far as our dream for our daughter goes...it is still there, we are still dreaming, praying and hoping that cycle #2 will be our LUCKY cycle ")