GOD Pleeeaasseeee.....

send us our dear daughter....I have not yet cried, but feel on the verge...so many emotions still praying for a miracle tomorrow yet trying to remain realistic and look forward to our frozen embryo transfer (FET). Recieved a letter from the fertility clinic today stating we have 4 frozen girl embryos (2 good to fair quality, 1 fair, and 1 less than fair) and the clinic is reccomending we defrost them all when we do our last transfer and just transfer the best. We very well could lose some in the proces of thawing them...THIS IS IT!!!! Really, when hubby and I decided to take this path we knew it was a gamble going into it. We made a list of the positive and negatives of going high tech and adoption and one of the big positives about adoption is that in the end we WOULD have our daughter. I can't help but to think had we stuck to the adoption plan we may have already been placed w/ her...my mind drifts off and wanders "what if" but we made this choice to take this gamble and here we are. If this does not work we can no longer adopt b/c of the cost and we would be paying off this IVF debt for the next 7 years! Hubby has given up so much financially as well for this so I could never ask for additional funds for adoption and it would not be fair to the boys either to put our family in such financial stress. Why does money always have to determine the ability to adopt and in some cases have more children biologically? It does not seem fair....If this does not work I really feel I need a break from all of this...it is emotionally draining me. I have exhausted my SL at work, my body feels worn and stressed not to mention extremely bloated still, I need to study for my LCSW test which I postponed due to this and if we went another cycle it would cost us another $3,200 which I would like to save for vs placing it on our CC. So I am leaning towards waiting a few months if indeed this cycle results in a BFN. Wow, I honestly believe this is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in life...and it is all of our my control. Like I said before it is in God's hands and I need to have true faith and belief that if this does not work there is a reason for it and I cannot question that.

Ok, my eyes are welting up, my heart feels broken, I am crying inside and yet feel so helpless....I will always say this, life is good, very good....however I feel a piece of me is missing without a daughter. I can't explain it, it is just there..........may God either bless us w/ our daughter or find the strength to help me find peace in accepting my life without a daughter. Only time will tell and I am trying to remain hopeful..........