Today I am not pregnant....BFN :(

I received the call yesterday, an hour before my shift ended at work..."I am sorry, your levels dropped." My heart sank...why did they call me at work when I aksed specifically they call me on my cell to leave me a msg for fear that the news of a possible BFN would tear me apart at work? I swallowed, took a deep breath and attempted to hold my composure another hour until I could escape to my car to grieve. I did notify the nurse that I wanted to switch providers as I feel more comfortable w/ this other provider and she agreed. We are scheduled to meet w/ him on 9/14/09. It will be nice to sit down and hear some feedback from this doctor on our poss chances w/ the four frozen embryos we have left. This is our very last chance and that scares me to death! What if we received another BFN? All this emotional, physical and not to mention financial stress to only have nothing to show for it but monthly bills for the next 7 yrs??? That is a lot to swallow...I am grateful we are given another chance as many do not end up w/ extra embros to freeze. Our clinic reccomended unfreezing them all and using the best ones. Guessing we would probably transfer 3, usually (from what I hear) one more extra than I would normally transfer for an embryo cycle. We will know more once we meet w/ the new provider in Sept. For now, I am sad, I took a candle light bath last night and allowed myself to grieve this loss. I had been wanting to take a bath for so long, but couldn't as I was told to take percautions as not to casue an infection. With news of a BFN I jumped at my chance for a bath!!! I had a nice talk w/ my sweet husband afterwards that allowed me to emotionally grieve to him as well, he held me, supported me and looked me in the eyes and said, "It will all work out." That is what I needed to hear, he secured hope in me again, like putting a band-aid on a cut, he bandaged my broken heart. I love him so much for supporting my dream and if both cycles fail I know I will have gained much more, a life lesson on just what my husband was willing to do to fulfill my dreams of a daughter and you cannot put a price on that!

Today...I am still sad but trying to heal. I need to focus on me, helping to self care for myself again, start exercising again and eating better. This cycle really did a number on my body and it's time for me to do something good for myself. I would like to put myself in a healthier and better position for my next/last cycle, feel good about "me" and go into it w/ a fresh and healthy perspective both mentally and physically. So...I am thinking I would like to wait until Nov or Dec. Granted, part of me keeps wanting to postpone it b/c then I will always have that "chance." The minute I start cycle #2 I will no longer have "hope" or another "chance" to look forward to if it ends up to be another BFN.

So...while still grieving the loss of my two beautiful girls that were transferred I pulled myself up out of bed and headed to work today. When I drove into the parking lot (same one I always parked in for years) I see a little puppy sitting there. He walked up to the car and waited for me standing below my legs, awww it broke my heart, he was HOMELESS! Full of fleas and other little creatures, disheveled, odourous....I could not bear to leave him there, he looked at me w/ big brown eyes and he made me smile...just what I needed after yesterday's BFN news. Was this a coincidence? I do believe God provides for us and gives us the things in our life which we need and often don't expect. Another co-worker of mine whom parked right next to me and got to the parking lot ten minutes before me said there was not a puppy to be found when he got there! I just think it was too coincidental for it not to mean something. So I called my supervisor, told him I was rescuing a homeless puppy, put him in the car (threw up on my seat...ugh!) and took him to see the vetenarian for debugging, check up, scheduled to get vaccines tomm. Poor little guy. He was so scared, shaking, is so good and sweet....the boys were shocked to see mom bringing home a puppy, Codey could not talk enough about him "I love him so much mom" "thank you mom for brining him home" "I love you mom" "I am glad he found you mom" over and over and over....I know in my heart I did the right thing for this puppy, for me and my family! Chandler named him "Lucky" b/c he was lucky to be found by me or rather I am lucky he found me!!! Lol....Instantly the family fell in love w/ the name so "Lucky" it is!!! He has brightened my day, put smiles on the boys faces and even my husband is getting warmed up to him...We always thought about getting a dog, never knew what kind, or when so...it just never happened. Guess it was our time to add Lucky to our family :) He has added joy to our family already and as far as our dream for our daughter goes...it is still there, we are still dreaming, praying and hoping that cycle #2 will be our LUCKY cycle ")

Today I Am Still Pregnant!!!

I received the call today, my second beta number and IT DOUBLED!!!! I could not believe it, I finally cried, really cried! I am remaining hopeful, but remaining cautious and realistic too. I have read many stories on line of women w/ low beta numbers that rise several times and then suddenly drop and they miscarry and then I have read a few stories of low betas that continue to rise and result in a healthy baby! I pray for the latter...so today I am still pregnant, I go back in on Thurs for another beta. If it rises again I remain pregnant. If it drops at all then it's all over, this cycle that is. I have had many friends and family praying for me and our little girl, we joke that she is just a late bloomer, let's hope! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE PRAYERS!!! I love you all!

GOD Pleeeaasseeee.....

send us our dear daughter....I have not yet cried, but feel on the verge...so many emotions still praying for a miracle tomorrow yet trying to remain realistic and look forward to our frozen embryo transfer (FET). Recieved a letter from the fertility clinic today stating we have 4 frozen girl embryos (2 good to fair quality, 1 fair, and 1 less than fair) and the clinic is reccomending we defrost them all when we do our last transfer and just transfer the best. We very well could lose some in the proces of thawing them...THIS IS IT!!!! Really, when hubby and I decided to take this path we knew it was a gamble going into it. We made a list of the positive and negatives of going high tech and adoption and one of the big positives about adoption is that in the end we WOULD have our daughter. I can't help but to think had we stuck to the adoption plan we may have already been placed w/ her...my mind drifts off and wanders "what if" but we made this choice to take this gamble and here we are. If this does not work we can no longer adopt b/c of the cost and we would be paying off this IVF debt for the next 7 years! Hubby has given up so much financially as well for this so I could never ask for additional funds for adoption and it would not be fair to the boys either to put our family in such financial stress. Why does money always have to determine the ability to adopt and in some cases have more children biologically? It does not seem fair....If this does not work I really feel I need a break from all of this...it is emotionally draining me. I have exhausted my SL at work, my body feels worn and stressed not to mention extremely bloated still, I need to study for my LCSW test which I postponed due to this and if we went another cycle it would cost us another $3,200 which I would like to save for vs placing it on our CC. So I am leaning towards waiting a few months if indeed this cycle results in a BFN. Wow, I honestly believe this is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in life...and it is all of our my control. Like I said before it is in God's hands and I need to have true faith and belief that if this does not work there is a reason for it and I cannot question that.

Ok, my eyes are welting up, my heart feels broken, I am crying inside and yet feel so helpless....I will always say this, life is good, very good....however I feel a piece of me is missing without a daughter. I can't explain it, it is just there..........may God either bless us w/ our daughter or find the strength to help me find peace in accepting my life without a daughter. Only time will tell and I am trying to remain hopeful..........

Continued...Roller Coaster of Emotions

Went in for my first beta test (pg test) last Friday and was notified my beta level was a 3.4!!! Very, very low. It will most likely result in a chemical pregnancy, but COULD go up although not likely. Anything above a 3 is considered to be a pos pregnancy so technically I am pregnant right now, but I was told to be very cautious. The IVF coordinator told me in the last 19 yrs of doing this kind of work she had 1 woman w/ as low of a beta number as mine and it resulted in a healthy baby boy. Ok, that news is pretty daunting, but she did say it COULD happen. Hopefully my little girl is a late implanter....I HOPE!!! I expected to cry either way on Friday w/ joy or grieving my loss, but w/ these results I just could not cry. I don't have an answer, I feel fortunate that my numbers were just not negative (under 3) but scared that they will not double by next Tues which is when I was told to come back to the clinic for another beta test. So, for now I continue my medications and wait until Tues.....All I can say is that I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best!!!!!

I'M ADDICTED!!!

Chandler made this plate of our family which says "Get well, I love you Mom"

Codey made this plate for me, a picture of me, Chandler and Codey which says "I Love You Mom"

Chandler's plate

Codey's plate

.......to HPT's!!!! I was warned, once I started taking HPT's I would not be able to stop and now they seem to consume my mind...first thing this morning I tested and BFN! Ugh! I am not letting myself get sick to my stomach about it and I really am keeping a positive frame of mind, but there is still a small bit of me of inner sadness just to even think that just maybe this may not work. We have or rather I have dreamt of a little girl for YEARS and a failed cycle would be heartbreaking....I know we are fortunate to have extra embryos but I don't want to have to endure another cycle if I don't have to...why is this so hard? I am not sure if the internet is my worst enemy or best friend...I find myself consumed, searching for information in hopes that I still have hope. Grasping on to every bit of hope that may be left. I am now 8dp4dt (8 days past a 4 day transfer) or 12DPO (12 days past ER). From most of the information obtained, I have learned that most women recieve BFP's between 11-14DPO and some even later. Some never receive a BFP on HPT's and go on to having positive beta numbers and are pregnant! I believe this can STILL happen. Now that I have started HPT's I can't stop, plan to test tomm and Thurs, beta on Fri. In some ways, I am trying to prepare myself for the news on Friday. I have decided that if we have to move on to cycle #2 I am not going to take HPT's although I am sure it would be tempting again, but they are not doing me any good right now, I wish I had not started. I may have felt differently though had I received a BFP by now...either way I do believe it adds a bit of anxiety when it does not go as planned. SO I continue to wait......

My rash is getting a bit better, does not itch, just looks very unpleasant! I am using a medicated powder on my neck and chest which seems to help so hopefully it will continue to clear up. All this has given me a new perspective on natural conception. I have always had appreciation for the birth of my two sons, being able to naturally conceive them, but now that we are going through IVF it really puts a lot in perspective. Regardless of this outcome, I cannot and will not forget I am already blessed!

So....I spoke about my boys surprising me w/ plates they decorated while I was resting after my ET...boys thought I was home b/c I was not feeling well so they hand made me plates telling me to feel better. I ADORE THEM!!!! They brightened my day and I will always treasure them. Everytime I look at them they make me smile :)

Roller Coaster of Emotions!!!!!

I feel like my emotions are all over the place today, up until now my HPT's have been BFN's. It was reccomended that I use the First Response Early Response (FRER) HPT so I picked up a few on my way home from work today. I curiously used one when I got home, another BFN! I know that it is best to use FMU so I will try it again first thing in the morning. I am reading that there are still many women that receive BFP's between days 6-10 and even a few up to day 12. I am being told I am still early. I have read that a few other women get BFN's all the way up to their beta day testing and then their beta numbers begin doubling and they are indeed pregnant although they received negative HPT's up until the beta test. So, all of those stories give me hope! I felt a bit crushed having recieved another negative test today though as I was hoping this new test would be a bit more accurate. Maybe it is...and this is just not working...so hard to know. All I can say is the 2WW period is emotionally draining. I do feel like I am able to manage/cope w/ these feelings well w/ thoughts always in the back of my mind that this could very well likely work too!!!!! My husband says that when it is meant to happen it will. I just don't want to go through another cycle again if I do not have to! This cycle is really taking it's toll on my poor body. My stomach has bloated out significantly (unable to button and zip most pants!) and over this weekend my skin suddenly began breaking out all over my chest, neck and face :( It has not gone away and the doctor feels it is contributed to the progesterone in oil shots. Yep, I think out of all the injectable medications this has by far been the worst between the bloating and the skin breakouts. Hopefully I will have a baby out of it and it will be well worth it!!! I have come to realize that this is in God's hands and I have no control over this outcome other than taking percautions to not overdo myself. I do believe as my husband pointed out that when she is meant to enter this world she will whether it is this cycle, the next, the next or maybe never...what is meant to be for our family will happen and I need to find peace and acceptance in that.....