One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

Yesterday hubby calls to tell me that the Tahoe is making noise so he dropped it off at the Chevy dealer...of course this always means that we will be spending money! I get a call later from him stating several wear and tear problems which will cost $1,100 and then we have a bubble in one of the tires and they are all five yrs old so due to be changed. So after paying $1,100 at the Chevy dealer we get all new tires too. I must say we did get a good deal on them for tires...they cost around $550, but considering what we spent earlier I was not happy. I was not upset w/ hubby, just frustrated at the situation. Yes, it makes sense, money that indeed has a purpose and is serving the greater good allowing us to continue to use the Tahoe to and from work, etc...but it is still frustrating especially since we are trying so hard to pay down bills, to put money towards the adoption. I can't help but to think, "Will this ever happen???" I joke about the boys being in college before our daughter arrives, but sometimes I wonder...are we going to be able to start this year, will it be another year or two. Sigh! Why does money have to be a defining factor to whether you can bring more love into your home through expanding your family? It does not seem right, it saddens me. I know I will have good days and bad days through this whole process, but today is not a good one. So instead of feeling like we made a little progress on our bills we are back to square one. I called my friend Lisa whom provided me some emotional support. I am thankful to all my friends and family who listen to me and provide their ongoing support. I know in my heart this will happen, there is a little girl our there for our family, but so many unknowns as to when this will happen... I must look forward, continue to plan and save, hold onto my faith that adoption will indeed work out for us, and remain appreciative of all things in life even a working car!

Baby Deals

I thought I would post a pic of the two little cute tees that I found at Old Navy for under $4. Of course, one is for daddy...

I took this picture straight so not sure why it is coming up sideways...my apologies. Anyone else ever have this problem?? Is it possible to turn your picture on here? Suggestions appreciated ;)

Catching up...

Right now I am feeling at peace, it's quiet, neighbors dogs even stopped barking, boys are sound asleep in their beds and hubby is on the computer. It's quiet...I can hear myself think, take a moment to myself to reflect on my week. Work was very busy this past week, most of my calls to the ER were helping homeless veterans. On Friday though I received a call to assist an elderly gentleman whom has small cell cancer in his left lung, non operatable. These cases sadden me, his wife standing by his side looking for some support. These are the times I wish I had a magic wand and could change it all, cure, make things better, but I cannot so I offer all that I can, my support and sympathy. I discuss hospice which I believe to me an amazing service and both the veteran and his wife feel this is a good option for him. I offer support groups, but he says that he would just rather go home to watch a good Western on TV. I look at his wife's saddened eyes, she is reaching for help, for support so I provide her some resources hoping that she takes advantage of them, I encourage her to take care of herself and to make sure she utilizes her support systems during this very difficult time of her life. How else do you help a woman that is about to lose her husband of 50+ yrs? I cannot imagine her pain...what it must be like to lose your best friend and companion after so many years. These are the hard days of my life, but I must remind myself that there is no better place to be then beside them helping them along this difficult path, offering support, even just a presence and unspoken words can make a difference, this I know....

My mother was just telling me about a book she is reading called, "The Shack." My aunt stated it changed her life, helped her to fully see one's purpose for life, as we all have our selfish needs by nature, we must not forget our purpose which I believe is to make this life a little better, helping to better the lives of those around us. As emotionally draining my job can be at times, I know in my heart that I am helping and that gives me the strength to continue this type of work. At dinnertime my family takes turns and goes around the table stating the best and worst parts of our days and one thing we appreciate. This is a family tradition we started several yrs ago, this is our time to share our days as a family. I love hearing about the boys and hubby's day, but it means so much to me to hear the boys talk about the things they appreciate, even just the smallest things in their days. I often hear "Mommy's good dinner" "My family" "My health" "Our home and food on the table" and because I share my stories (children's version) w/ the boys about what mommy does, helps lots of people to find homes and jobs the boys state they are appreciative that we do not live in a shelter. I hope to instill in them appreciation, to never take a moment, not a day for granted and feel blessed for the gifts in their life. Last year we did the Christmas Angel for the first time and the boys loved it, helping to make another child's Christmas better. I truly believe it is these experiences that will help to shape my boys into responsible and caring men someday ;)

So...I had a dream last night that someone handed me an envelope full of money, this person handed many people envelopes w/ money b/c they felt it was the right thing to do to help others especially in this economy...I know it sounds strange, but I was ecstatic and the first thing that came to my mind in my dream was adoption, that yes, no more financial worries, we could finally begin the process towards our sweet baby girl!! I know this will happen, we talk about it, feels like "she's" already a part of our family b/c we make comments about her, the boys playing w/ her, holding her....my mom even said last night she had a dream with a little girl in it that looked up at her and called her grandma! She had shoulder length dark curly hair. Is this a sign? Will our little girl arrive this year? Most of all will we finally begin the process in March/April??? My heart aches b/c I know there will be a little girl that will be perfect for us, for our family. She will add more laughter and love to this family and will complete us all!!!!

Juno

So....I am sitting here wathing Juno for the second time. What a great movie! I cannot help to think about when we adopt. It seems too good to be true...adoption has been comsuming my mind and thoughts so much these past few years, aching to complete our family. It is just not happening soon enough, but good news is that we are still on target to start in March or April. I can just picture a little toddler girl w/ pig tails running through our home and the boys chasing her all over the place! In fact, I was at Old Navy on Friday and they had so many cute girls clothes on clearance and then 50% off the clearance price....I got away only purchasing two little girls tops which is good for me! Together I spent less that $5 on them ;) I try and stick to clothes that she can wear anytime during the year....

So, when do you know when you are done having children? My mom said she just knew after she had my brother and I. My brother and I had some medical complications post our birth which she thinks helped her to make the decision to stick to two children, but I have never had the feeling like, "this is it." "I am done." After having such difficult pregnancies w/ the boys I knew was I done biologically...don't think my body could take another, but my heart still aches to hold another baby, hear another infant cry...nurture! Adoption feels so right for me, for us , for my family. I love being a mom, the boys are the most amazing children, so full of life, so full of energy...well, they are boys! They treat me like the princess of the house although they still don't let me watch my movies, girly ones...but say they will watch them w/ their little sister. So, three children has always felt right to me...when Ross and I married we were convinced we would have four, but after my complications w/ Chandler it went to three and then further complications w/ Codey...we thought we better quit so now three feels right. So, I have faith that this adoption will work out for us, that this magical year will be ours, the time we finally bring our daughter home....Thank you for being a part of our journey!

I've Been Tagged

by my dear friend Lisa! Ok...I have not done this before nor have I posted pictures before. I was told to go to my pictures folder, pick the sixth folder and the sixth picture and tell a story about it...so here goes.

This is a picture of a gingerbread cookie from Christmas 2005 that one of the boys decorated. Doesn't it look lovely???

The Adoption Packet

So...I have had the agency that I have wanted to use for awhile now. I knew that I had already received an adoption packet from the agency a while back, however, not until I started e-mailing the agency again as our time to start the process is getting closer did I realize just how long ago I received my first packet. I dug up my old one to discover that it was dated back in 2007!!! This just goes to show how long I have been thinking about this, longing to expand our family, desiring a little princess in our home! So, in the past two years the agency of our choice has raised their fees some...ugh! It is a bit frustrating...I know many say that you do not have to be wealthy to adopt and just about everyone can afford it, but it is an expense. I know without a doubt in my heart it will be worth every penny and more, but for now I feel stress! Neither my employer nor my husbands assist w/ the costs of adoption. I am hearing more employers offering benefits that assist w/ the costs, unfortunately we are not in luck in that area! So, we continue to try and make this work for us financially. I pray that we will begin in March or April (FINALLY!)...from what I hear we just need to do it b/c there are so many reasons to justify waiting and I continue to joke that the boys will be in college before our sweet little girl arrives!

Good news...I received a bonus at work and will get a raise this year which should help...every little bit! The boys continue to mention their future sister, we were talking about selling Chandler's Thomas the Train movies (he has so many!) and then Chandler said "Wait, our little sister will want to watch them." Not to say a little girl cannot watch train movies, I am all for that, but I dream of the day we can all sit around and watch a girly movie for once...something other than Star Wars, The Clone Wars, Superman, Spiderman, etc...it's mom's turn to choose ;)