Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Much Needed Break!

I am almost in awww as I read over my last few posts, almost one year ago today I was focusing on our second (final and last) IVF attempt....I am proud to say that our second FET (frozen embryo transfer) attempt WORKED and I have my beautiful little princess sleeping right beside me! It still feels so surreal at times, something I have wanted, dreamt of and prayed about for so many years...from researching the ins and outs of adoption, choosing an agency to later deciding to pursue IVF/PGD, it has been quite a journey. What an emotional, physical and financial investement, but so worth it all as it worked! By far I think this is the most difficult journey I have endured thus far, wanting something so much and knowing that through IVF this was not a guarantee that it would work. I had so many fears....fears of another pregnancy (history of complications), fear of another c-section, fear of a healthy baby, fear that the pregnancy may not progress (i.e fear of miscarriage, etc), fear that the embryologists could error (99.9 % accurate w/ PGD gender selections) and I would have another boy (although I know I would grow to love him after the initial shock, lol!), fear of multiples (50% chance of twins since we transferred three), fear of the age gap between my children (8 years) many thoughts, concerns....BUT despite them all we took the risk and fortunately it worked out for us. Words cannot describe the emotions I feel and have felt through this process. As I look over at her now, I feel relief....and none of my fears above matter anymore. I have learned so much about myself through this process. To know that it is ok to change my mind. I once felt my family was complete after my boys and later decided it was not, the urge to have a daughter was overwhelming...I needed balance in my family, I needed to complete my family, I needed my daughter! My husband underwent a TESA procedure (sperm aspiration) during this process as he had a vasectomy (we thought we were done!) and I underwent a tummy tuck to correct massive scar tissue in my tummy post both of my boys c-sections (it was so bad it stuck out through my clothing!). We did things a bit backwards looking at this, but life is not perfect, it does not always flow in the direction that you would expect, things change, my priorities changed. None of this matters anymore, I feel at peace w/ my body knowing that it supported my pregnancy bringing me my long awaited daughter....I truly believe she is my miracle baby! Thank you God! I feels so blessed to have two beautiful and healthy sons, a husband that supported and believed in my dream and now my healthy baby girl! 2010 was an amazing year and I look forward to 2011.

So, here is more detailed information on my cycles. We did a 5 probe for down syndrome testing and gender. My first cycle was a BFN (fresh cycle) and my second was a BFP (FET). We only had enough fertilized and healthy embryos for two cycles and could not afford to go through the whole process again had this last attempt not worked. As it was this cycle was expensive and would take time to pay off, but we both felt it was worth the risk to at least try. In my heart I had to try, to know I gave it my all.....In addition to the financial expenses, had money not been an issue I physically and emotionally don't think I could have kept going, it takes its toll on the body!!

Here are my stat numbers for those whom may be interested:

First clinic appt: 3/13/09

Cycle #1: ER (egg retrieval) 7/23/09. 33 eggs retrieved. 25 mature. 12 fertilized (7 girls, 5 boys). ET (embryo transfer) 7/27/09: Transferred two females. 8/7/09 beta #1: 3.4 8/11/09 beta #2: 6.8 8/13/09: dropped/chemical pregnancy/BFN.

5 female embryos left. 4 frozen for second/last cycle. 1 embryo lost due to poor quality (unable to freeze)

Cycle #2: 3/31/10 FET, transferred three female embryos (one did not survive the dethaw process). 4/12/10 beta #1: 233. 4/14/10 beta #2: 579. Ultrasound 4/29/10: one baby girl and strong heartbeat! Due date: 12/18/10. Born via c-section on 12/12/10 @ 8:32a.
We named her Makena Jean. My husband and I married on Makena beach in 1999 and always said if we had a daughter we would name her Makena as we both liked this name and it had a lot of meaning to us. Jean is after my maternal grandmother (her first name) and mother (her middle name). She is healthy and weighed 9 lb 1 oz, 21 inches long. She is such a joy!!!!
I indicated in my post title that I needed a break, emotionally and physically I did. I was devistated to find out our first cycle had not worked, absolutely heartbroken wondering if my dream would ever come true. When I found out our second cycle was successful I could not cry, could not allow myself to get too much that I was afraid if I posted my excitement something negative would happen...silly I know, but I had so many fears from the moment of attempting to get pregnant to the moment I confirmed my pregnancy. Fears that did not go away until I held Makena in my arms. I took one day at a time and considered each day that passed a success and one day closer to holding my daughter.
We are so in love w/ her and although I wanted this more than my husband initially I tear up when I see the way he holds her, loves her, interacts w/ her. The boys adore their new little sister too, kissing her, asking to hold and feed her and already make statements that they will protect her! C handler use to kiss my belly all the time when I was pregnant! I must say, had this not worked I would still count my present blessings but it would have been difficult for I had an overwhelming desire for a daughter and did not feel my family would be complete without her. I know IVF is a risk and does not work our for everyone and given my age the odds were against me (this I knew), but like I said earlier I had to try. I know longer notice every little girl that passes me and am able to walk through a section of little girls clothes in the department store without tearing up....I AM NOW COMPLETE and what an amazing feeling to feel so at peace now :)
Ok, so time for some pictures!!!!!! I think they may post above as I cannot figure out how to post them below but either way I want to introduce Makena!


Janalee said...

FINALLY you're back in business.

Anita said...

Congrats Deanna to you and your sweet family! I know she'll be loved beyond measure by her big brothers as well as her parents! So excited to see that you have your little girl! Love that you named her after the beach you were married on. We were engaged on Roosevelt Beach - don't think that's nearly as attractive a name as yours... =)

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your baby girl! I have three and would do anything to have a boy, which we are considering PGD/GS, but are having a hard time with our faith. We feel we would be basically telling God his previous gifts of having heathy baby girls isn't good enough. Did you ever have thoughts like that?