Better days...

Hoping for better days to come, these past few wks have been rough. I thought I was coping well w/ the loss at our first attempt to have a daughter, I surprisingly was overall handling the situation well over the past month or so however I can now say it is finally hitting me, hitting me hard. Not a day goes by I don't think about her or see something that reminds me of her...I am part of an on line support group and recently wrote about my feelings surrounding this issue and the ways I am attempting to cope w. it all and I was amazingly surprised that many other women are experiencing the same feelings or had at one time experienced them and went on to become pregnant through their FET (frozen embryo transfer). THIS IS MY HOPE, we have four frozen embryos left, most likely one will not make it through the defrost process but I SHOULD hopefully have three to transfer. My RE said I should have a good chance if we even have two to work with. As quickly as I would love to jump into another cycle I realize I am just not ready, emotionally, physically and financially. We are now paying on a loan that we have absolutely NOTHING to show for and that is so hard to swallow, emotionally I am not ready, I have a lot going on w/ work and am planning to take my LCSW exam next week so until I pass that exam I will need to postpone my cycle. It is too much to handle during my cycle, although I did not feel I was stressing about it for my first cycle it was always on the back of my mind. I want to be as stress free as possible for our next cycle and I am just not there right now. In addition hubby and I have decided that we want to save the money for this next cycle rather than place it on more credit so that will take us some time and physically I know it would be beneficial to lose a few lbs before my next attempt too so I am doing my best to be more active. Lucky keeps me running in the evenings now several days a week so hopefully that will help.....I guess I just feel at a loss right now, how do I get through these next several months or so until we try this again? How do I even begin to cope w/ the feeling possibly of having another failed cycle? I don't have a plan after that, I know in my heart I will need to move on. My family is just amazing and I am already blessed in so many ways, I will say that over and over, but I still and have for years now had this overwhelming desire to balance my family w/ a daughter. I can honestly say I wish I did not have these feelings b/c it is miserable to feel this way, like a piece of me is just missing. I am scared of feeling let down again, scared of another loss, and being left w/ nothing but a bill that I will be paying on for the next several yrs to come. How do you cope w/ this and the idea that having a daughter may never happen despite multiple efforts??? How far do you go to chase your dream? I know I cannot ask anymore of my husband after all of this, he has been nothing but supportive to me along this journey and many past journeys. I also know that I cannot put our family into anymore debt after this next/final cycle, it would not be fair to my husband or boys so...I am trying to just occupy my thoughts, stay busy w. my family and continue to hold onto my dream of one day having MY daughter......

My husband has agreed to most likely put our tax return money towards our next cycle. I am very excited about that! I am really struggling w/ the idea that this is just out of my hands and there is nothing I can or anyone can say or do that will make a difference as to whether this next cycle will be successful or not. I know I need to have full faith and believe that if this is meant to be it will and if not than there is a reason although I most likely will not understand or see it at the moment.

I have good days and not so good lately in thinking about all of this, I can't help but to think had we adopted we would MOST LIKELY have our sweet girl by now, but I cannot let my thoughts go there, we chose this journey for a reason and I need to hold belief and maintain faith in that.

I have been thinking of all the things I am looking forward to such as our upcoming trip to OR to see Papa Duck, Halloween, possible Disneyland trip and of course Christmas (my favorite). The boys picked out their costumes, Codey is a ninja and Chandler is a knight. I am glad they did not go w/ some of the other costumes, some are pretty disturbing especially for children! I must say that Halloween costumes have gone up in price too, it was actually ridiculous the amt we spent...I now understand why so many parents make their children's costumes. If I had the the time and skill it takes to stitch together something I would, but anyone that knows me knows how NOT domestic I am...I can barely cook and well, other than putting buttons back on I am pretty much at a loss w. sewing!!! Lol!

Ok, I better get some sleep. Not sure what has been going on w. me this past week...hubby went on a cruise w/ his family and since he has been gone I cannot sleep!! He will be back tomorrow so I will anxiously be awaiting his return and may finally be able to get some sleep too :)

New MD Appt

Today I met w/ the new RE that I had planned to switch to. The appt went very well, I felt he was really listening to me. He did a thorough review of my chart and said that he was very surprised that my last cycle was unsuccessful since I have a regular cycle and all my labs/tests were normal. He said he would have given me a 68% chance of it working. At this point, we now need to figure out what went wrong. Adult diabetes runs in my family (father, uncle, grandmother) and he said it would be critical that we rule out any sign of diabetes in me b/c if I was diabetic or mildly diabetic it would most likely cause me to miscarry really early on. I thought that was very interesting, I had never heard that before. He also wants to run a few additional tests that my previous RE did not run so that should all help, of course it all adds to the cost again if my insurance does not pick them up...ugh! I want to do everything I can though to ensure we did our best at making this work. He also said that he is going to take a different approach w/ medications, place me on Lupron instead of Ganirelex and put me on both the progesterone creams and injections. In addition he said that FET's are often more successful that the fresh cycles and taking birth control pills before really increases the success rate of FET's for some reason. The protocol is used often for FET and fresh but he made a point to say that it really increases success rates for FET's. I found that encouraging. He reccomended we do the acupuncture again too. He said w/ all the percautions he will be putting in place it will increase my risk of multiples and at present their facility is running a 40% chance of twins. He too has twin girls from IVF. I felt really at peace talking w/ him and made a point of telling him this was our very last chance at this and he said we would do everything possible to make it a successful cycle....I pray he is right!

So, the question now is when, when do we take this big step? I was thinking Nov/Dec but hubby would like to have the cash to pay for it so this may push us back several months. I would feel better paying cash for is vs placing in on our credit card so I am ok with waiting until early or mid next year too. My RE said I have up to 9 yrs to use my frosties!!!! Lol! I could not imagine waiting that long! YIKES! Anyway, I am excited, but yet very scared as this is our very last shot at this....I know it is really out of my hands and everyday I pray for peace in that whatever happens w/ this it will ultimately be for the best for me and for our family.

For now, I am enjoying my time again, no more injections, no more bloating/weight gain, I feel better about me...Lucky is keeping me in shape w/ all the runs and walks! Enjoying my boys, family and taking this time to study for my licensure exam. Either way...I know it will all work out.....