The Blues and The Pinks

A Much Needed Break!

2011-01-01T18:45:00.001-08:00

I am almost in awww as I read over my last few posts, almost one year ago today I was focusing on our second (final and last) IVF attempt....I am proud to say that our second FET (frozen embryo transfer) attempt WORKED and I have my beautiful little princess sleeping right beside me! It still feels so surreal at times, something I have wanted, dreamt of and prayed about for so many years...from researching the ins and outs of adoption, choosing an agency to later deciding to pursue IVF/PGD, it has been quite a journey. What an emotional, physical and financial investement, but so worth it all as it worked! By far I think this is the most difficult journey I have endured thus far, wanting something so much and knowing that through IVF this was not a guarantee that it would work. I had so many fears....fears of another pregnancy (history of complications), fear of another c-section, fear of a healthy baby, fear that the pregnancy may not progress (i.e fear of miscarriage, etc), fear that the embryologists could error (99.9 % accurate w/ PGD gender selections) and I would have another boy (although I know I would grow to love him after the initial shock, lol!), fear of multiples (50% chance of twins since we transferred three), fear of the age gap between my children (8 years)....so many thoughts, concerns....BUT despite them all we took the risk and fortunately it worked out for us. Words cannot describe the emotions I feel and have felt through this process. As I look over at her now, I feel relief....and none of my fears above matter anymore. I have learned so much about myself through this process. To know that it is ok to change my mind. I once felt my family was complete after my boys and later decided it was not, the urge to have a daughter was overwhelming...I needed balance in my family, I needed to complete my family, I needed my daughter! My husband underwent a TESA procedure (sperm aspiration) during this process as he had a vasectomy (we thought we were done!) and I underwent a tummy tuck to correct massive scar tissue in my tummy post both of my boys c-sections (it was so bad it stuck out through my clothing!). We did things a bit backwards looking at this, but life is not perfect, it does not always flow in the direction that you would expect, things change, my priorities changed. None of this matters anymore, I feel at peace w/ my body knowing that it supported my pregnancy bringing me my long awaited daughter....I truly believe she is my miracle baby! Thank you God! I feels so blessed to have two beautiful and healthy sons, a husband that supported and believed in my dream and now my healthy baby girl! 2010 was an amazing year and I look forward to 2011.

So, here is more detailed information on my cycles. We did a 5 probe for down syndrome testing and gender. My first cycle was a BFN (fresh cycle) and my second was a BFP (FET). We only had enough fertilized and healthy embryos for two cycles and could not afford to go through the whole process again had this last attempt not worked. As it was this cycle was expensive and would take time to pay off, but we both felt it was worth the risk to at least try. In my heart I had to try, to know I gave it my all.....In addition to the financial expenses, had money not been an issue I physically and emotionally don't think I could have kept going, it takes its toll on the body!!

Here are my stat numbers for those whom may be interested:

First clinic appt: 3/13/09

Cycle #1: ER (egg retrieval) 7/23/09. 33 eggs retrieved. 25 mature. 12 fertilized (7 girls, 5 boys). ET (embryo transfer) 7/27/09: Transferred two females. 8/7/09 beta #1: 3.4 8/11/09 beta #2: 6.8 8/13/09: dropped/chemical pregnancy/BFN.

5 female embryos left. 4 frozen for second/last cycle. 1 embryo lost due to poor quality (unable to freeze)

Cycle #2: 3/31/10 FET, transferred three female embryos (one did not survive the dethaw process). 4/12/10 beta #1: 233. 4/14/10 beta #2: 579. Ultrasound 4/29/10: one baby girl and strong heartbeat! Due date: 12/18/10. Born via c-section on 12/12/10 @ 8:32a.

We named her Makena Jean. My husband and I married on Makena beach in 1999 and always said if we had a daughter we would name her Makena as we both liked this name and it had a lot of meaning to us. Jean is after my maternal grandmother (her first name) and mother (her middle name). She is healthy and weighed 9 lb 1 oz, 21 inches long. She is such a joy!!!!

I indicated in my post title that I needed a break, emotionally and physically I did. I was devistated to find out our first cycle had not worked, absolutely heartbroken wondering if my dream would ever come true. When I found out our second cycle was successful I could not cry, could not allow myself to get too excited....so much that I was afraid if I posted my excitement something negative would happen...silly I know, but I had so many fears from the moment of attempting to get pregnant to the moment I confirmed my pregnancy. Fears that did not go away until I held Makena in my arms. I took one day at a time and considered each day that passed a success and one day closer to holding my daughter.

We are so in love w/ her and although I wanted this more than my husband initially I tear up when I see the way he holds her, loves her, interacts w/ her. The boys adore their new little sister too, kissing her, asking to hold and feed her and already make statements that they will protect her! C handler use to kiss my belly all the time when I was pregnant! I must say, had this not worked I would still count my present blessings but it would have been difficult for I had an overwhelming desire for a daughter and did not feel my family would be complete without her. I know IVF is a risk and does not work our for everyone and given my age the odds were against me (this I knew), but like I said earlier I had to try. I know longer notice every little girl that passes me and am able to walk through a section of little girls clothes in the department store without tearing up....I AM NOW COMPLETE and what an amazing feeling to feel so at peace now :)

Ok, so time for some pictures!!!!!! I think they may post above as I cannot figure out how to post them below but either way I want to introduce Makena!

The Most Amazing Gift!

2009-12-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

We had a wonderful Christmas, Brent and Tristan were able to spend most of Christmas week with us which was wonderful! The boys loved all their gifts...Codey received a video camera (kid proof of course!) that he just loves. He is snapping pictures and taking videos of everything!! Chandler has been building legos all over our living room and Santa brought the boys a large sized basketball hoop! Codey is outside playing right now! We were fortunate enough to be able to plan a trip to Disneyland for the boys this year too. We will be there over New Year's which will be exciting. It's been over three yrs since we last went and the boys have of course grown up a lot over the past several years so they will meet more of the ride height requirements this time around! We are all very exciting and this was one trip I wanted to take before I got pregnant if I am ever so fortunate!!!

Speaking of pregnancies, my sweet husband (and the boys) surprised me w/ a card that had a baby on the front cover w/ two parents kissing the baby. Inside, my husband wrote that he had received a Christmas bonus at work (a large bonus he had never received before through this company) and indicated that he wanted me to use the money for my next IVF procedure and how much he wants this for us too. Needless to say I became a bit emotional...all I could think about it how thoughtful he was to think of this and to want this so much too, for sharing in my dream, believing at least that we may, just may have a chance at this...regardless of the outcome though he supported me and believed in my dream...I will always be grateful for that with or without a little girl in my arms. I could not ask for more than that!!!!

Overall, Christmas was wonderful, spending lots of time w/ my parents, nephew and brother...and of course having extra time off w/ the boys. I work two days this week then off to Disneyland! Work has been busy especially around the holidays so this break has been a much needed one ")

Merry Christmas to all my family and friends and thank you to all of you praying for us through our IVF attempts. We are now hoping to do one last cycle in March/April 2010!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

To all my family and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support this year. I wish you a wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving....

I have not felt much like writing lately, I have good and bad days...I still struggle w/ my unsuccessful IVF cycle but the support of family and a listening ear (I must apologize in advance to all those that listen over and over to my stories!) but it all helps. Then the day after I found out my cycle did not work my puppy "Lucky" magically appeared and came into my life. He filled a piece of my heart that was missing, we bonded and what a sweet puppy he is. I am sad to say that Chandler's allergies and asthma are at the worst they have been in 4 yrs since we brought Lucky home and we have no choice but to find him a new home and family. Needless to say I am heartbroken...I was packing up some of Lucky's things today and I broke down in tears. He is my baby....my husband listened and offered me a hug. I needed it! He does not quite undersand my emotional state regarding all of this, but he appeared in my life when I needed him most. I love him for that, well for many reasons. He follows me around and offers nothing but his unconditional love, he is my playmate, running buddy (yes, I am running more now!) and is an all around sweet and loving dog. He is very well trained and every morning when I head down the stairs I cannot help but to smile when I see him in his crate wagging his tail at the site of me coming to see him! If there is any good news to this I think we may have found a loving family for him. They are actually neighbors a few blocks away and they are coming over tommorrow evening to see him. I pray this family works for him, they appear to really enjoy animals and once owned a similar breed dog that passed away two yrs ago. I only want the best for him. The Saddest part....my youngest son, this is his dog too. Not only did he lose his cat last year (long story) but now he is losing his dog. I feel like I am carrying around so much grief/loss. My heart aches for the daughter I feel like is slipping away and for my new love "Lucky" that we are forced to give away....

I must say though, just as I can count my losses I can count my blessings, many of them. I am so thankful for so much in my life and here are a few:
1. Basic/survival needs of life (food, shelter, clothing, etc...)
2. Veterans and my freedom
3. My health and the health of my family & friends
4. Employment especially in an economy that suffering
5. My friends & family!!!!
6. The ability to provide for my family especially my two boys
7. BEING A MOM
8. BEING A WIFE MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND ROSS

These make the top of my list, no order, they are all close to my heart.

Update on our IVF status: We have 4 female frozen embryos left, 2 strong, 1 fair, 1 less than fair. Less than fair one will most likely not make it through the defrost process. So if all goes well I will have 3 to transfer. My RE said even if I end up w/ 2 I should be in good shape. We are now planning to wait until April or May 2010. We do not want to take out another loan or put it on a CC so we will be saving and paying cash for it. As it is we will be paying on our first IVF loan for the next 7 yrs! Yes a bit difficult to swallow sometimes but I need to remember that it was better to have at least tried then to have never tried at all and always wondered. I am a firm believer things happen for a reason so I need to remind myself of this IF this next and last cycle does not work. I am so very much praying though for my little girl to make her way to me next year!!!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! By the way, we are ordering out again this year, this year from Mimi's Cafe. I am very excited, will keep you posted on how it is~

I DID IT!!!!!

2009-10-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time coming, but it finally happened...I passed my LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) exam!! From the day I graduated w/ my MSW it was a goal of mine to become LCSW certified. Shortly after graduating I obtained my LMSW (licensed master of social worker) certificate then went on to work towards obtaining my LCSW which required two years of clinical supervision. I can at last breathe now, it's OVER!!!! Finally, I feel I have let go of one more stressor in my life, a big one at that. During my last IVF cycle I still continued to stress over it and even postponed taking the exam at one point so I could focus on my IVF cycle. With having achieved my goal I now feel that much more prepared to go into another IVF cycle. We of course are going to wait to save up the money so we do not have to put it on credit, but this will be one less thing on my mind now....not to mention I am going to sleep better now too!

Boys got their school pictures back today, they are just so cute. They dressed themselves (matching!) the day of pictures. Normally I help to pick out their outfits and encourage them to change if they are not matching etc...but this time I let them do it all themselves. I figured if anything it would be a memory and they did. They turned out great. If I can ever figure out how to scan them I will post them :)

We are leaving next week to OR (actually leaving this coming Fri) for a week vacation and I am looking so forward to this break w/ my mom, husband, boys, brother and nephew. We are going to visit my grandfather and the boys have never been up to visit him at his home before so I am really looking forward to showing them around. We plan to do some fishing, lots of fishing opportunities which the boys will enjoy! Looking forward to some cooler weather too although I must say the last few days here have been amazing!

Not much else is going on...Lucky is marking his territory by digging up our backyard! We bought a cute little tree that we planted in the backyard and well...that did not last long unfortunately...poor thing did not have a chance. We must have reburried it four or five times until we realized it was just not going to make it...ugh! He's a puppy!

Better days...

2009-09-28T21:59:00.001-07:00

Hoping for better days to come, these past few wks have been rough. I thought I was coping well w/ the loss at our first attempt to have a daughter, I surprisingly was overall handling the situation well over the past month or so however I can now say it is finally hitting me, hitting me hard. Not a day goes by I don't think about her or see something that reminds me of her...I am part of an on line support group and recently wrote about my feelings surrounding this issue and the ways I am attempting to cope w. it all and I was amazingly surprised that many other women are experiencing the same feelings or had at one time experienced them and went on to become pregnant through their FET (frozen embryo transfer). THIS IS MY HOPE, we have four frozen embryos left, most likely one will not make it through the defrost process but I SHOULD hopefully have three to transfer. My RE said I should have a good chance if we even have two to work with. As quickly as I would love to jump into another cycle I realize I am just not ready, emotionally, physically and financially. We are now paying on a loan that we have absolutely NOTHING to show for and that is so hard to swallow, emotionally I am not ready, I have a lot going on w/ work and am planning to take my LCSW exam next week so until I pass that exam I will need to postpone my cycle. It is too much to handle during my cycle, although I did not feel I was stressing about it for my first cycle it was always on the back of my mind. I want to be as stress free as possible for our next cycle and I am just not there right now. In addition hubby and I have decided that we want to save the money for this next cycle rather than place it on more credit so that will take us some time and physically I know it would be beneficial to lose a few lbs before my next attempt too so I am doing my best to be more active. Lucky keeps me running in the evenings now several days a week so hopefully that will help.....I guess I just feel at a loss right now, how do I get through these next several months or so until we try this again? How do I even begin to cope w/ the feeling possibly of having another failed cycle? I don't have a plan after that, I know in my heart I will need to move on. My family is just amazing and I am already blessed in so many ways, I will say that over and over, but I still and have for years now had this overwhelming desire to balance my family w/ a daughter. I can honestly say I wish I did not have these feelings b/c it is miserable to feel this way, like a piece of me is just missing. I am scared of feeling let down again, scared of another loss, and being left w/ nothing but a bill that I will be paying on for the next several yrs to come. How do you cope w/ this and the idea that having a daughter may never happen despite multiple efforts??? How far do you go to chase your dream? I know I cannot ask anymore of my husband after all of this, he has been nothing but supportive to me along this journey and many past journeys. I also know that I cannot put our family into anymore debt after this next/final cycle, it would not be fair to my husband or boys so...I am trying to just occupy my thoughts, stay busy w. my family and continue to hold onto my dream of one day having MY daughter......

My husband has agreed to most likely put our tax return money towards our next cycle. I am very excited about that! I am really struggling w/ the idea that this is just out of my hands and there is nothing I can or anyone can say or do that will make a difference as to whether this next cycle will be successful or not. I know I need to have full faith and believe that if this is meant to be it will and if not than there is a reason although I most likely will not understand or see it at the moment.

I have good days and not so good lately in thinking about all of this, I can't help but to think had we adopted we would MOST LIKELY have our sweet girl by now, but I cannot let my thoughts go there, we chose this journey for a reason and I need to hold belief and maintain faith in that.

I have been thinking of all the things I am looking forward to such as our upcoming trip to OR to see Papa Duck, Halloween, possible Disneyland trip and of course Christmas (my favorite). The boys picked out their costumes, Codey is a ninja and Chandler is a knight. I am glad they did not go w/ some of the other costumes, some are pretty disturbing especially for children! I must say that Halloween costumes have gone up in price too, it was actually ridiculous the amt we spent...I now understand why so many parents make their children's costumes. If I had the the time and skill it takes to stitch together something I would, but anyone that knows me knows how NOT domestic I am...I can barely cook and well, other than putting buttons back on I am pretty much at a loss w. sewing!!! Lol!

Ok, I better get some sleep. Not sure what has been going on w. me this past week...hubby went on a cruise w/ his family and since he has been gone I cannot sleep!! He will be back tomorrow so I will anxiously be awaiting his return and may finally be able to get some sleep too :)

New MD Appt

2009-09-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today I met w/ the new RE that I had planned to switch to. The appt went very well, I felt he was really listening to me. He did a thorough review of my chart and said that he was very surprised that my last cycle was unsuccessful since I have a regular cycle and all my labs/tests were normal. He said he would have given me a 68% chance of it working. At this point, we now need to figure out what went wrong. Adult diabetes runs in my family (father, uncle, grandmother) and he said it would be critical that we rule out any sign of diabetes in me b/c if I was diabetic or mildly diabetic it would most likely cause me to miscarry really early on. I thought that was very interesting, I had never heard that before. He also wants to run a few additional tests that my previous RE did not run so that should all help, of course it all adds to the cost again if my insurance does not pick them up...ugh! I want to do everything I can though to ensure we did our best at making this work. He also said that he is going to take a different approach w/ medications, place me on Lupron instead of Ganirelex and put me on both the progesterone creams and injections. In addition he said that FET's are often more successful that the fresh cycles and taking birth control pills before really increases the success rate of FET's for some reason. The protocol is used often for FET and fresh but he made a point to say that it really increases success rates for FET's. I found that encouraging. He reccomended we do the acupuncture again too. He said w/ all the percautions he will be putting in place it will increase my risk of multiples and at present their facility is running a 40% chance of twins. He too has twin girls from IVF. I felt really at peace talking w/ him and made a point of telling him this was our very last chance at this and he said we would do everything possible to make it a successful cycle....I pray he is right!

So, the question now is when, when do we take this big step? I was thinking Nov/Dec but hubby would like to have the cash to pay for it so this may push us back several months. I would feel better paying cash for is vs placing in on our credit card so I am ok with waiting until early or mid next year too. My RE said I have up to 9 yrs to use my frosties!!!! Lol! I could not imagine waiting that long! YIKES! Anyway, I am excited, but yet very scared as this is our very last shot at this....I know it is really out of my hands and everyday I pray for peace in that whatever happens w/ this it will ultimately be for the best for me and for our family.

For now, I am enjoying my time again, no more injections, no more bloating/weight gain, I feel better about me...Lucky is keeping me in shape w/ all the runs and walks! Enjoying my boys, family and taking this time to study for my licensure exam. Either way...I know it will all work out.....

Today I am not pregnant....BFN :(

2009-08-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

I received the call yesterday, an hour before my shift ended at work..."I am sorry, your levels dropped." My heart sank...why did they call me at work when I aksed specifically they call me on my cell to leave me a msg for fear that the news of a possible BFN would tear me apart at work? I swallowed, took a deep breath and attempted to hold my composure another hour until I could escape to my car to grieve. I did notify the nurse that I wanted to switch providers as I feel more comfortable w/ this other provider and she agreed. We are scheduled to meet w/ him on 9/14/09. It will be nice to sit down and hear some feedback from this doctor on our poss chances w/ the four frozen embryos we have left. This is our very last chance and that scares me to death! What if we received another BFN? All this emotional, physical and not to mention financial stress to only have nothing to show for it but monthly bills for the next 7 yrs??? That is a lot to swallow...I am grateful we are given another chance as many do not end up w/ extra embros to freeze. Our clinic reccomended unfreezing them all and using the best ones. Guessing we would probably transfer 3, usually (from what I hear) one more extra than I would normally transfer for an embryo cycle. We will know more once we meet w/ the new provider in Sept. For now, I am sad, I took a candle light bath last night and allowed myself to grieve this loss. I had been wanting to take a bath for so long, but couldn't as I was told to take percautions as not to casue an infection. With news of a BFN I jumped at my chance for a bath!!! I had a nice talk w/ my sweet husband afterwards that allowed me to emotionally grieve to him as well, he held me, supported me and looked me in the eyes and said, "It will all work out." That is what I needed to hear, he secured hope in me again, like putting a band-aid on a cut, he bandaged my broken heart. I love him so much for supporting my dream and if both cycles fail I know I will have gained much more, a life lesson on just what my husband was willing to do to fulfill my dreams of a daughter and you cannot put a price on that!

Today...I am still sad but trying to heal. I need to focus on me, helping to self care for myself again, start exercising again and eating better. This cycle really did a number on my body and it's time for me to do something good for myself. I would like to put myself in a healthier and better position for my next/last cycle, feel good about "me" and go into it w/ a fresh and healthy perspective both mentally and physically. So...I am thinking I would like to wait until Nov or Dec. Granted, part of me keeps wanting to postpone it b/c then I will always have that "chance." The minute I start cycle #2 I will no longer have "hope" or another "chance" to look forward to if it ends up to be another BFN.

So...while still grieving the loss of my two beautiful girls that were transferred I pulled myself up out of bed and headed to work today. When I drove into the parking lot (same one I always parked in for years) I see a little puppy sitting there. He walked up to the car and waited for me standing below my legs, awww it broke my heart, he was HOMELESS! Full of fleas and other little creatures, disheveled, odourous....I could not bear to leave him there, he looked at me w/ big brown eyes and he made me smile...just what I needed after yesterday's BFN news. Was this a coincidence? I do believe God provides for us and gives us the things in our life which we need and often don't expect. Another co-worker of mine whom parked right next to me and got to the parking lot ten minutes before me said there was not a puppy to be found when he got there! I just think it was too coincidental for it not to mean something. So I called my supervisor, told him I was rescuing a homeless puppy, put him in the car (threw up on my seat...ugh!) and took him to see the vetenarian for debugging, check up, scheduled to get vaccines tomm. Poor little guy. He was so scared, shaking, is so good and sweet....the boys were shocked to see mom bringing home a puppy, Codey could not talk enough about him "I love him so much mom" "thank you mom for brining him home" "I love you mom" "I am glad he found you mom" over and over and over....I know in my heart I did the right thing for this puppy, for me and my family! Chandler named him "Lucky" b/c he was lucky to be found by me or rather I am lucky he found me!!! Lol....Instantly the family fell in love w/ the name so "Lucky" it is!!! He has brightened my day, put smiles on the boys faces and even my husband is getting warmed up to him...We always thought about getting a dog, never knew what kind, or when so...it just never happened. Guess it was our time to add Lucky to our family :) He has added joy to our family already and as far as our dream for our daughter goes...it is still there, we are still dreaming, praying and hoping that cycle #2 will be our LUCKY cycle ")

Today I Am Still Pregnant!!!

2009-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

I received the call today, my second beta number and IT DOUBLED!!!! I could not believe it, I finally cried, really cried! I am remaining hopeful, but remaining cautious and realistic too. I have read many stories on line of women w/ low beta numbers that rise several times and then suddenly drop and they miscarry and then I have read a few stories of low betas that continue to rise and result in a healthy baby! I pray for the latter...so today I am still pregnant, I go back in on Thurs for another beta. If it rises again I remain pregnant. If it drops at all then it's all over, this cycle that is. I have had many friends and family praying for me and our little girl, we joke that she is just a late bloomer, let's hope! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE PRAYERS!!! I love you all!

GOD Pleeeaasseeee.....

2009-08-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

send us our dear daughter....I have not yet cried, but feel on the verge...so many emotions still praying for a miracle tomorrow yet trying to remain realistic and look forward to our frozen embryo transfer (FET). Recieved a letter from the fertility clinic today stating we have 4 frozen girl embryos (2 good to fair quality, 1 fair, and 1 less than fair) and the clinic is reccomending we defrost them all when we do our last transfer and just transfer the best. We very well could lose some in the proces of thawing them...THIS IS IT!!!! Really, when hubby and I decided to take this path we knew it was a gamble going into it. We made a list of the positive and negatives of going high tech and adoption and one of the big positives about adoption is that in the end we WOULD have our daughter. I can't help but to think had we stuck to the adoption plan we may have already been placed w/ her...my mind drifts off and wanders "what if" but we made this choice to take this gamble and here we are. If this does not work we can no longer adopt b/c of the cost and we would be paying off this IVF debt for the next 7 years! Hubby has given up so much financially as well for this so I could never ask for additional funds for adoption and it would not be fair to the boys either to put our family in such financial stress. Why does money always have to determine the ability to adopt and in some cases have more children biologically? It does not seem fair....If this does not work I really feel I need a break from all of this...it is emotionally draining me. I have exhausted my SL at work, my body feels worn and stressed not to mention extremely bloated still, I need to study for my LCSW test which I postponed due to this and if we went another cycle it would cost us another $3,200 which I would like to save for vs placing it on our CC. So I am leaning towards waiting a few months if indeed this cycle results in a BFN. Wow, I honestly believe this is one of the biggest challenges I have faced in life...and it is all of our my control. Like I said before it is in God's hands and I need to have true faith and belief that if this does not work there is a reason for it and I cannot question that.

Ok, my eyes are welting up, my heart feels broken, I am crying inside and yet feel so helpless....I will always say this, life is good, very good....however I feel a piece of me is missing without a daughter. I can't explain it, it is just there..........may God either bless us w/ our daughter or find the strength to help me find peace in accepting my life without a daughter. Only time will tell and I am trying to remain hopeful..........

Continued...Roller Coaster of Emotions

2009-08-09T15:16:00.001-07:00

Went in for my first beta test (pg test) last Friday and was notified my beta level was a 3.4!!! Very, very low. It will most likely result in a chemical pregnancy, but COULD go up although not likely. Anything above a 3 is considered to be a pos pregnancy so technically I am pregnant right now, but I was told to be very cautious. The IVF coordinator told me in the last 19 yrs of doing this kind of work she had 1 woman w/ as low of a beta number as mine and it resulted in a healthy baby boy. Ok, that news is pretty daunting, but she did say it COULD happen. Hopefully my little girl is a late implanter....I HOPE!!! I expected to cry either way on Friday w/ joy or grieving my loss, but w/ these results I just could not cry. I don't have an answer, I feel fortunate that my numbers were just not negative (under 3) but scared that they will not double by next Tues which is when I was told to come back to the clinic for another beta test. So, for now I continue my medications and wait until Tues.....All I can say is that I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best!!!!!

I'M ADDICTED!!!

2009-08-04T20:58:00.001-07:00

Chandler made this plate of our family which says "Get well, I love you Mom"

Codey made this plate for me, a picture of me, Chandler and Codey which says "I Love You Mom"

Chandler's plate

Codey's plate

.......to HPT's!!!! I was warned, once I started taking HPT's I would not be able to stop and now they seem to consume my mind...first thing this morning I tested and BFN! Ugh! I am not letting myself get sick to my stomach about it and I really am keeping a positive frame of mind, but there is still a small bit of me of inner sadness just to even think that just maybe this may not work. We have or rather I have dreamt of a little girl for YEARS and a failed cycle would be heartbreaking....I know we are fortunate to have extra embryos but I don't want to have to endure another cycle if I don't have to...why is this so hard? I am not sure if the internet is my worst enemy or best friend...I find myself consumed, searching for information in hopes that I still have hope. Grasping on to every bit of hope that may be left. I am now 8dp4dt (8 days past a 4 day transfer) or 12DPO (12 days past ER). From most of the information obtained, I have learned that most women recieve BFP's between 11-14DPO and some even later. Some never receive a BFP on HPT's and go on to having positive beta numbers and are pregnant! I believe this can STILL happen. Now that I have started HPT's I can't stop, plan to test tomm and Thurs, beta on Fri. In some ways, I am trying to prepare myself for the news on Friday. I have decided that if we have to move on to cycle #2 I am not going to take HPT's although I am sure it would be tempting again, but they are not doing me any good right now, I wish I had not started. I may have felt differently though had I received a BFP by now...either way I do believe it adds a bit of anxiety when it does not go as planned. SO I continue to wait......

My rash is getting a bit better, does not itch, just looks very unpleasant! I am using a medicated powder on my neck and chest which seems to help so hopefully it will continue to clear up. All this has given me a new perspective on natural conception. I have always had appreciation for the birth of my two sons, being able to naturally conceive them, but now that we are going through IVF it really puts a lot in perspective. Regardless of this outcome, I cannot and will not forget I am already blessed!

So....I spoke about my boys surprising me w/ plates they decorated while I was resting after my ET...boys thought I was home b/c I was not feeling well so they hand made me plates telling me to feel better. I ADORE THEM!!!! They brightened my day and I will always treasure them. Everytime I look at them they make me smile :)

Roller Coaster of Emotions!!!!!

2009-08-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like my emotions are all over the place today, up until now my HPT's have been BFN's. It was reccomended that I use the First Response Early Response (FRER) HPT so I picked up a few on my way home from work today. I curiously used one when I got home, another BFN! I know that it is best to use FMU so I will try it again first thing in the morning. I am reading that there are still many women that receive BFP's between days 6-10 and even a few up to day 12. I am being told I am still early. I have read that a few other women get BFN's all the way up to their beta day testing and then their beta numbers begin doubling and they are indeed pregnant although they received negative HPT's up until the beta test. So, all of those stories give me hope! I felt a bit crushed having recieved another negative test today though as I was hoping this new test would be a bit more accurate. Maybe it is...and this is just not working...so hard to know. All I can say is the 2WW period is emotionally draining. I do feel like I am able to manage/cope w/ these feelings well w/ thoughts always in the back of my mind that this could very well likely work too!!!!! My husband says that when it is meant to happen it will. I just don't want to go through another cycle again if I do not have to! This cycle is really taking it's toll on my poor body. My stomach has bloated out significantly (unable to button and zip most pants!) and over this weekend my skin suddenly began breaking out all over my chest, neck and face :( It has not gone away and the doctor feels it is contributed to the progesterone in oil shots. Yep, I think out of all the injectable medications this has by far been the worst between the bloating and the skin breakouts. Hopefully I will have a baby out of it and it will be well worth it!!! I have come to realize that this is in God's hands and I have no control over this outcome other than taking percautions to not overdo myself. I do believe as my husband pointed out that when she is meant to enter this world she will whether it is this cycle, the next, the next or maybe never...what is meant to be for our family will happen and I need to find peace and acceptance in that.....

Record High for July!!!

2009-07-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well, I heard it on the news...AZ hit a record high for temps for the month of July and it will go down as a record month. So how does one stay cool in this grueling heat??? The boys figured it out...Just look!

The 2WW Game!

2009-07-31T21:18:00.001-07:00

I am officially in the 2 wk waiting period and it is so difficult to be patient. Well, I have never been much of a patient person for things even as a child so this should not surprise me...but this is very difficult. The unknown, BUT I am remaining positive. Occasionally the thought of "what if" pops into my mind of it not working, but for the majority of the time I have remained positive and for the most part a feeling of calmness and peace. From the reading I have done some have many symptoms and some have none and still end up w/ their BFP. So I am trying not to overanalyze every twitch my body feels. Here is a run down of my symptoms so far...not that it will account for anything, but only one can hope!

Day 1/Transfer date 7/27: Mild cramping, difficulties sleeping/waking up frequently
Day 2: Mild cramping , poor sleep again
Day 3: A bubbly feeling, stomach making bubbling noises
Day 4: Some bubbly feelings again, occasional cramps here and there, 5 min of extreme tightness in lower abdomen, headache, slept better though
Day 5: Woke up w/ headache, more cramping today- had acupuncture

I must admit I took a pregnancy test although I know it is very early and most don't receive their BFP's until the 10th-15th day, sometimes 17th day...but it was a BFN. I am not feeling discouraged b/c I know it is early...I am trying to remain patient but not easy for me. Positive thoughts from family and friends have been helpful! Many continued prayers....

By the way, according to my acupuncturist he said the first time one attempts IVF there is a 35-40% chance of pregnancy w/ acupuncture increasing that number another 15-25%. Within 3 cycles, one would have an 80% chance of becoming pregnant. What daunting numbers...but I read one woman say "the odds are in your favor" and I do believe they are. I guess this means that I cannot let myself get too discouraged if this first cycle does not take b/c for many it doesn't and it is nice to know I have four frozen embryos to use for an additional two cycles if needed (although two graded less in quality), BUT lets believe for now that they will not be needed and my one or two little girlies in my tummy are making themselves a nice home :)

OK....BREAK TIME...about my sweet boys! They have one week left at grandma's boot camp (so we call it...Lol!) and then off to school on 8/10! I cannot believe it. Hubby and I have an appt next Thurs at the school to find out whom the boys are assigned to for next years teacher. Chan will be in 3rd and Codey in 1st! They are growing so big!!! They have mastered swimming in grandma's pool, they are even swimming laps!! I am jealous of their little tan bodies too!

And....while I was laid up on the sofa after my ET the boys knew mom was not feeling well (unsure why, but did not ask which was good I suppose) and they made little colored plates for me, decorated them all by themselves and surprised me w/ them saying, "feel better mommy." I love them and will have to take pictures of them and post on here next...they are just adorable and a wonderful keepsake to treasure for years to come!

I could not have asked for sweeter sons and a more understanding husband. I am sure I have not been the easiest to please all these past years....let's just say my husband has done a lot for me, taken many steps to ensure I was/am happy even if it meant putting my needs at times above his own and I am so appreciative of that and all he has given me to include this attempt at our baby girl! This would not be possible without his willingness to participate (of course!) and support throughout this process. I am already blessed in so many ways!

Two Beautiful Girls!!!

2009-07-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

I did it! I arrived to the fertility clinic today and the lab came to speak to me to discuss our PGD results. We had 7 girl embryos, 2 which were very good quality which were transferred back into me today. 1 of them is what they call "compact" which is the point the embryo needs to progress to so it can be frozen...so we for sure have 1 that will be frozen as a back up if for some reason these 2 don't take. The other 4 need to continue to be watched in the lab to see if they continue to grow to the "compact" stage. If they do then they will be frozen too. Hopefully they do get there...today I have feeling satisfied and blessed for even having 2 embryo girls to transfer. I know some women go through this process and never get to this point I am at...sometimes none of the embryos fertilize, sometimes they only end up w/ the opposite gender they were hoping for...there is so much that goes into this, emotionally, financially, what an overall investment, but a very well worth one in the end if I can hold my baby girl nine months from now. I pray every night for her and now can only wait.....only time will tell and I continue to hold faith....for now I pray that my little beans stick!

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family who have supported me through this process. It has been a bit emotional, but their support and positive thoughts/prayers have made all the difference. Thank you!!!!!!

Fertilization Report!!

2009-07-25T14:00:00.001-07:00

I got the call and out of 33 eggs I have 25 mature and 12 fertilized and looks like a few others are growing...just a bit slower so they may be usable as well. I am so excited...they are going to do the PGD on them tommorrow most likely and then my ET is scheduled for Monday at noon!!! I pray we have enough healthy girl embryos to transfer two and freeze some too just in case the two we transfer don't take then we will have something to fall back on. Hopefully though this one time will be it for us...will bring us to our long awaited baby girl! Grow babies grow!!!!!!!!!

ER Results!

2009-07-23T10:45:00.001-07:00

The doctor was able to retrieve 33 eggs!!!! I am so very excited, but still nervous since I do not know how many have been fertilized. I am praying that most of them are mature and do fertilize! I am hoping for some good numbers before we move onto the PGD process! I pray our baby girl is on her way.......

Egg Retrieval

2009-07-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

I got the call today!!! I trigger tonight and go in at 5:15a on Thurs for my ER. I can't believe it is here. I should know after the retrieval how many eggs were retrieved and then I will receive the fertility report I believe the following day on how many actually fertilized. Unfortunately the PGD process can be harsh on the embryos so I do risk losing some in the process, hope I don't lose too many and hoping for some strong hatching healthy girl embryos!!!

I will try and update soon....Thank you to all my friends and family for their thoughts and prayers. May our little girl find her way to us......

Trigger?

2009-07-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

Looks like I will most likely trigger tommorrow night which means that I will have my egg retrieval (ER) on Thurs!!!! I have had several u/s and blood work appts this past week and all looks good. I have approx 22 eggs that they could tell from the u/s. My doctor lowered the dosage of my Repronex this past weekend and right about now I am feeling very bloated!!! I am excited for these next two weeks...hard to believe it's here... finally! The shots have gotten much easier too which has been a blessing :-)

I will update w/ more news when I have it.

I DiD IT!!!

2009-07-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

Whoo-hooo!!! Today was day one of my injectables, Repronex and Follistim and I did it! I was VERY nervous about ensuring that I gave myself the proper dosage, mixed the Repronex correctly and injected it correctly. They are are both subcutaneous shots (under the skin vs in the muscle) and I injected them in my tummy. I have never had to give myself shots before so this was a very big step but definently a well worth one if it brings us our little girl....just another step of many but we are getting CLOSER "-)

Medications!

2009-07-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Here are my medications for my upcoming IVF cycle (most of them, some required refrigeration so are stashed away in there). Thankfully my insurance company covered most of the cost and I saved approx $2,500!!! However on the downside I had many, many issues around getting my medications to me appropriately. The first time they were shipped they sat in a box in the hot sun in front of my house for 4 hrs!!! Several of the medications needed to be room temperature and w/ our AZ heat I was so afraid that the medications were damaged. After several calls to my insurance companys retail pharmacy they offered to go ahead and send me a replacement. I was extremely relieved. After this cycle being such a financial investment I did not want to risk the medications being damaged by the heat. So I have received the replacement and am scheduled to start the injectables this Sat!! I feel so overwhelmed w/ the whole process. Here's my schedule so far:

7/9: Ultrasound

7/11: Start Follistim and Repronex (take these until end of cycle)

7/13: Bloodwork

7/15: Ultrasound

7/16: Begin Ganerelix in addition to Follistim and Repronex

Ovidrel: Trigger shot prior to retrieval

Potential Retrieval: 7/21-7/25

Potential Transfer: 7/25-7/29

Will be required to take Prednisone, Doxycycline, Progesterone in Oil post egg retrieval and transfer, Estrogen Patch and baby aspirin post transfer.

I am doing my best to educate myself about all these medications, but it is a lot and one of them requires me to mix the chemicals together first before injecting. I am so afraid of making a mistake, but I know these are all normal feelings given this being my first time experiencing this. Hopefully it will be my only time given a successful outcome!

I am continuing w/ acupuncture, hopefully it is helping...hard to believe we started this process (called the fertility clinic) back in February and we are finally getting to this point!! I am trying to stay calm (although not easy) and doing my best to remain positive....

The Blackberry Curve

2009-06-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

My husband surprised me w/ a new phone yesterday, the new Blackberry Curve. After familiarizing myself w/ some of the features I have come to really like this phone. It has a lot of really cool features to include a camera, video, voice recording and others...it is smaller and lighter than my previous Blackberry phone. Thanks sweet hubby of mine, I think it's a keeper!!!!

Sonohysterogram

2009-06-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

Last Monday I went in for a sonohysterogram andI had no idea what to expect. As much as I knew it was a test to ensure that I did not have any abnormalities in my uterus. The IVF coordinator make it sound like it was a very simple procedure, no side effects etc...Well, I just want to say that I was relieved that I had it after work and not before b/c by the time I got home I was cramping and bent over in pain. The procedure itself did not take all that long, maybe 10-15 min and it felt like a hard pinch from within, but w/ only a little bit of crampiness I was able to get up off the table and walk out of the office thinking the procedure was not all that difficult. Uncomfortable, but not too painful. I even stopped at the grocery store on my way home and was fine but several hrs after being home I laid on the sofa in pain so much that I went to bed at 8p w/ a heating pad on my tummy looking for some type of relief. Everytime I rolled I hurt and felt like I had a weight in my lower abdomen that kept shifting. By the next morning, the pain was much more tolerable but still hurt. It hurt to walk, bend over, it felt inflammed inside, pushing on my abdomen hurt...I was beginning to think I had developed an infection and contacted my doctor. I was offered an appt early the next morning. I did not want to miss more work and am trying to save my time so I notified the nurse I would call first thing in the morning the following day if I was still in pain. As the day went on I started to feel a little better which was a great sign that maybe this wasn't an infection and nothing but post soreness after the procedure. I had not developed a fever and although in a significant amt of pain I was not in enough pain that would require me to check into the ER so I thought I would be fine. By the next day I felt amazing! Normal! What a great feeling...I survived the procedure without an infection and the good news was that my doctor told me that the test results looked great, nothing to be concerned about so on to the next step......

This has certainly turned into quite a process, a journey that I hope has a happy ending...my friend Brenda just notified me of someone in her family that transferred three embryos (first time doing IVF) and she is pregnant. Sometimes risks do pay off and I pray this one does. For we have more love to give, open arms for a precious sweet little girl....her brothers are waiting for her as we are.....and above all regardless of how this journey ends...I am one blessed mommy to have my two beautiful sons who are already miracles to me, a blessing that will forever fill my heart w/ joy and I am thankful for that!

Acupuncture

2009-06-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day of acupuncture and it went well. The acupuncturist has two offices including one right out of his home. His home office was much closer so that is where I went. I honestly did not know what to expect. I filled out some paperwork on my medical history and off we went to a little room in his home set aside for this. He was very nice and it was very relaxing. I have been cramping a little in my calves and forearms...not sure if that is normal, but otherwise feel great! He said he would be targeting my ovaries and stress which is great since I do have a fairly high stress job. My overall opinion...I think I picked the wrong profession, Lol! How nice would it be to work from your home, stick a few needles in someone and walk away for a half hour and then get paid! :-) I have a large amount of respect for this profession though...I hear nothing but wonderful things about it and it can truly target so many different "problem" areas including allergies...very interesting. Anyway...I thought I would share my experience. It is reccomended that I do acupuncture 1x/wk and he reccomended it at least one month in advance before ET so I am starting just at the right time. My next session is scheduled for next Wed.....more later....

Our Little Remodel Project...

2009-06-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

So...after three yrs of living in our current house we finally decided to remodel the boys room. I wish I had taken "before pictures" (sorry Jana!) but here is the finished room. I had picked out the colors a while ago...love them! (blue and tan although the walls look white in these pictures) So while the boys were at my grandparents hubby and I went to work...slaving day after day after getting home from work finishing the room in a week...off to Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond we went to get coordinating sheets, blankets, a cute little night table and lamp, curtains, etc...oh yes and to Home Depot for new wood blinds. The other ones were falling apart and were old...were here when we moved in. The boys picked out a superhero picture at the store of their liking and I "approved" it since it had coordinating colors...Lol! By the way, the boys bunk bed was parallel to eachother and we took out the bottom bunk, ordered a new full mattress and turned the mattress around...they have so much more space now and Codey just LOVES, LOVES, LOVES his new bed!!!! His cousin is over visiting right now and they are camping out in his new bed together. It sure beats the blow up airmatress on the side of Codey's bed during previous visits! Now...if only I could start painting PINK now....I have the perfect colors and nursery in mind...I just need to know that I will have a sweet little princess to fill the room ") Just maybe one of these days....

By the way, I decided to try acupuncture and tomorrow is my first session...never before have I tried acupuncture, but I thought w/ all the positive evidence around IVF and acupuncture it sure could not hurt! I will keep you posted on my thoughts.........

This is it...the count down!

2009-06-12T22:38:00.001-07:00

Hubby and I had an appt at the fertility clinic today to sign consent forms and discuss our upcoming IVF schedule. Of course this is all tentative b/c things could change along the way depending on how my body reacts to the medications, etc....there are so many factors and hopefully I can avoid getting OHSS during all of this as well. So many risks...so many things to take into consideration...but like our IVF coordinator told us...we need to take things ONE DAY AT A TIME! I am trying to do this, but not always easy. Ok so here's our tentative schedule:

Continue taking BC pills until 7/6/09
Start Stim Plan (stimulation medications) on 7/11/09
Potential Egg Retrieval between 7/21-7/25/09
Potential Embryo Transfer 7/25-7/29/09

Wow....hard to believe it's right around the corner. SO....if this works then I will find out I am PG very early Aug!!!! I am contemplating acupuncture. The evidence is all very positive showing a positive correlation between acupuncture and positive IVF cycle outcomes. I have never done acupuncture before so I am not sure what to expect. I want to know at the end of this (which probably are one and only chance) that I did all that I could if things do not end up favorably. Over and over again I hear wonderful things about acupuncture and I do not want to regret having not tried if this does not work although it would be hard to even know if that was the "breaking piece" to it all. So the fertility clinic provided me a referral, reccomendation to begin now, 1-2x/wk (heard 1x/wk is usually fine) and then right before and right after the embryo transfer (ET). Think I am going to give them a call on Monday.

Again, I cannot thank hubby for all his support through all of this. It has emotionally and financially affected us both and he continues to sit by my side along this very emotional rollercoaster ride. I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! Among many other things of course :) Speaking of the financial aspect of things....this is a lot of money and I realize that but if it works it will be more than worth it, but if not...well, I have to feel good about the fact that we gave it our all and at least tried. Along these same lines if we do not end up w/ extra girl embryos to freeze this will be the end of the ride (given I am not PG in the end) as I cannot do another cycle and place my family in further debt. It's not fair to the family, hubby or the boys so I am attempting to stay realistic in all of this too. BUT for the present, I still have the chance and will do all I can to give it everything I have!

Appreciate all my wonderful friends whom have provided me ongoing support, thoughts and prayers along this process. I love you all!!!!

Day One...IVF Update

2009-06-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

First of all my apologies for getting so behind on my blog. Life gets busy and it is just hard to keep up sometimes. Update on the IVF process: Hubby completed the TESA procedure and all went well, we have four frozen vials of sperm to work with which should be enough for one IVF cycle. (I HOPE!!!) The clinic unfroze one of the tubes to make sure sperm was present and there was which was great news, but there is no way of knowing whether sperm is present in the other four vials b/c if we unfroze them we would lose them. We can only assume that since there was in one than there will be in the remainder frozen four vials so I trying to stay optomistic. So...now the rest of this is up to me, how my body will respond the the medications, how many eggs my body produces, the quality of the eggs etc...I am trying to take it all one day/step at a time so it does not become overwhelming. I have heard that eating a high protein, low carb diet will help to improve the quality of eggs so I am going to give it a try. I am saying that today is day one b/c I am starting the first step today...BC Pills. Hubby and I are meeting up again w/ the IVF Coord this Friday to sign consent forms and have any questions we may have answered. I need to make a list b/c I keep thinking of more to ask. I am not sure how long I need to be on each of the different medications yet, but I know for sure that the egg retrieval and transfer will take place in July so if all works I should expect to be pregnant in July. Hubby seems to think it should work since I have two bio sons that did not take a lot of work, but I hear many stories of women who were able to conceive their children easily and then when it came to IVF they had difficulties...and vice versa. So, what gives? I just think it is such an individualized experience. Our bodies react so differently given different situations...all I can do on my end is remain hopeful, try and keep myself from becoming too stressed/self care and THINK POSITIVE! I believe the mind is powerful and can make a difference in a successful or unsuccessful cycle. Finally, I have faith that if we are meant to have our little girl this way then it will happen...if it does not...although I know extremely heartbreaking...our little girl will find her way to us another way.....

I asked another mom whom did IVF/PGD for her daughter, ended up w/ triplet girls of any advice she may have for me...well, along w. some feedback on the right vitamins, the right foods, she stated, "I prayed like I never prayed before." I believe there is a lot in that.....

Off to the FIRST GRADE!!

2009-05-19T17:11:00.000-07:00

The Kindergarten class

Codey and his teacher Mrs. Impson

Receiving his diploma!

My Codey graduated kindergarten today!!!! We are so very proud of him. They sang lots of really cute songs, showed a video of their school year and then we had cake and took lots of pictures! Where does the time go???? I keep saying before I know it he will be graduating college!!!!!

Picasso???

2009-05-19T16:34:00.000-07:00

Chandler and his portfolio (see brother Codey in the back wreaking havoc!)

One of my personal favorites~

I couldn't draw this!

Chandler's famous works of art~

Chandler brought home all his artwork from his second grade art class. I must say...I was quite impressed! I am pleased that the schools encourage art and creativity. I believe art is so therapeutic and allows both adults and children to express themselves in ways they may not have been able to do otherwise. For me, well I am not an artist by any means, I lack creativity especially when it comes to decorating my home. I just don't have the knack for picking the right colored walls, the right furniture...I tend to feel everything needs to match and then I end up w/ the same color all over my house and it becomes a bit overwhelming. I have dreamt of hiring an interior decorator to just walk through my home and "fix it" as neccesary, but could certainly never afford the expense! My mother on the other hand is creative, she majored in Art in college and can sit down a draw amazing sketches in just a matter of minutes. She loved to paint when we were young...so I certainly did not obtain that creativity gene from her :) So any creativity from my children can only be contributed to those traits that they obtained from grandma!!

WILD BOYS!!!

2009-05-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

My boys LOVE to wrestle...whether it be on the floor, on the sofa, in their room, in our room, on the stairs everywhere I look they are taking off their shirts to wrestle eachother! Should I expect anything different from two boys?????

It's Mommy's Day!

2009-05-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Chan and I before my mommy's day dinner

Codey and I on Mother's Day before our special dinner together

And...Codey knows his mommy so well...yes I do wear lots of SHORT PANTS...Capris!! Lol!

Codey's book he made me...I love his artwork! That's me sitting on the end of his bed ;)

Codey made this....so cute!

Another gift from Chandler

Picture Chan made for me of him and I

Codey's heart he made me

Chandler's teapot he made in school for me

Codey's plant he brought home from school for me for Mother's Day

So this morning my boys woke me up w/ really sweet cards that they picked out, hubby gave me a really sweet card too and then they made a coupon for a free spa package of my choice!!! They must know me a little too well! I love massages, but the best gift of all is having my family! I told hubby how thankful I am for making me a mom and told the boys how special they are to me as without them I would not be a mom! We spent a wonderful day together and then all the boys (inc hubby) took me out to dinner to Black Angus. It was delicious...I had my favorite appetizer, fried zucchini, steak and topped it all off w/ chocolate cake w/ ice cream!!!

I love being a mom...I remember the day I found out I was pregnant w/ my first I was worried about everything, was he moving enough, would it be a healthy pregnancy, etc...and a friend of mine told me from this day forward you will worry for the rest of your life and she was right. The worry did not end w/ my pregnancy nor the day I delivered him...I worry everyday that he is safe and when I became pregnant w/ his brother the worry intensified b/c I had two beautiful sons to watch over now. I am sure when they are thirty and even forty I will still be worrying b/c that is just what mother's do! Having children has completed me and provided me a greater sense of fullfillment and purpose in life. They truly are a gift and I feel so blessed to be their mother!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you special mommy's! By the way, hubby will have his TESA procedure this week....we are one step closer to our princess (I hope!)

Life's Lessons

2009-04-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days as a mom where you crawl into bed and think, "hmmm...just maybe I could have spent more time w/ my son/daughter or maybe I could have handled that situation earlier a bit different or maybe I should have not worried so much about cleaning the house and focused more on the children" all those "if's and maybe's" that tend to haunt us as mothers. Wanting to be the best mother possible, but then secretly wondering if you are doing all you can do, reading enough each night to your child, spending "quality" time together enough, teaching them more things, tucking them in bed every night...the list could go on. Then on the flipside there are nights I crawl into bed and think "wow, we had a great day!" I spent lots of time w/ the kids, we played, laughed, learned a few things, etc....those are the moments that my heart fills w/ joy and I think "I can and am doing this...I am a mom." Well, today was one of those days that as I put the boys down and thought...we had a great night together....it started like this:
Work was difficult today, my phone was ringing constantly w. phone calls for assistance w/ nursing home placements for family members that cannot care for their loved one anymore, nursing home transfers, arranging transportation to medical appts, discussing claim/financial benefits, etc....then I get a call that a patient would like to see me, he is new to Phx, impulsively jumped on a plane from another state to AZ w. little funds, poor judgement/insight, homelss, etc....So as I work w/ this patient I am able to assist in many ways providing assistance w/ shelter, bus tickets and even a phone card, (patient denied all other services including medical and/or mental health assistance) but this patient remains unhappy, feeling entitled to more than I am able to offer/provide, demanding to speak to a supervisor, becoming verbally loud and aggressive, needing multiple redirections to calm himself and refocus on the topics and the ways in which I am able to assist him. Although there was other underlying mental health issues, this patient was adimantly unappreciative of the effort I was providing to assist him in overcoming his unfortunate situation, but one that he chose for himself but refuses to take responsibility for. Upon the patient leaving I closed my door and felt a feeling of sadness...the only word that came to my mind was "Appreciation" I did not feel appreciated despite the multiple efforts I had made to assist this patient (most likely this patient was not ready for the help he really needed). It made me think about all the families and patients that have reached out to me over the years to say "thank you" and what that meant to me as a social worker, to feel that I made a difference, that I was appreciated...these comments are what makes me wake up in the morning and think, "this is why I am a social worker" but today was a much different day. I did not walk away feeling appreciated although I realize I did my best....so....I shared some of these feelings upon going home w/ my boys and we sat and had a long conversation about "appreciation" and what it means to appreciate and be appreciated. The boys were extremely engaged and as a mom is was an amazing feeling to watch my children learn these important life lessons, to learn compassion for others, to appreciate even the small things that often go unnoticed. Chandler gave an example of how he helps another boy in school a lot and this boy never thanks him and how his lack of appreciation saddens him. We talked about the many good people in our lives and the few not so good that we can only hope to be role models for in hopes that one day those people can learn to model some of these positive behaviors. Chandler said he was sorry that I had such a rough day and that my patient was not appreciative and said that he hoped I would have a better day tomorrow and hopes that my patients appreciate me tomorrow. It was so very sweet. I think I am on the right track....my boys are loving and compassionate, empathetic boys that I have no doubt will grow into wonderful young men and as a mom....I am PROUD of that ;)

An Update!!!

2009-04-27T21:57:00.001-07:00

So I was able to get a hold of the urologists nurse this morning and she scheduled the TESA procedure for 5/13!!! The sperm will be frozen and then I will start my medications after my next cycle, most likely beginning of June. It is all so hard to believe that this is actually happening, we are one step closer!!! Prayers for lots of healthy female sperm!!! I get a brief feeling of excitement, but then I try to control these emotions as I do not want to be dissapointed although I know I will be regardless if this doesn't work...guess I am just trying to protect my feelings and emotions...trying not to allow myself to get too excited but it is so hard b/c this is all finally happening and I can't help but to think about how this may bring us to our daughter. Well, these next few months will be interesting to say the least, but hopefully one day very soon I can look back and say every bit of this was all worth it b/c my daughter will be on her way!!!! I believe positive thinking can make a big difference so when I find myself doubting that this could actually happen I immediatly focus on replacing those negative thoughts w/ more positive ones. I often teach cognitive behavioral techniques (CBT) to the patients telling them how important our automatic thoughts are and how by replacing those thoughts w/ more positive ones we can in turn change our feeling and behaviors...it is extremely powerful. I am a large advocate of CBT techniques and truly believe it has a lot to offer patients in treatment. Sometimes it is much easier to speak words of wisdom than to practice them yourself........

Ok, off to bed...had a very busy day at work today and am overdue for my sleep :)

The Waiting Game...

2009-04-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hubby had his appt w/ the urologist which I have eagerly been waiting for yesterday, soonest they could get him in was a month later so I had been counting down the days until this appt. It is neccesary that he see a urologist as the urologist will be performing the TESA procedure. I cannot start the medications until his part is complete. We antcipated that they would be setting the exact date for this procedure, but the urologist said he would get back to us after checking w/ his nurse to identify avail times. Ugh!!! So, I contacted the fertility clinic to notify the IVF Coordinator and she said we will most likely have to wait another cycle/month. So, looks like for sure in June I will be cycling. I just want to get things moving along! I guess I was hopeful that the urologist would be able to do this sooner and feel a bit let down. I keep telling myself "better late than never."

I attended the IVF class yesterday too and it was fairly informative. I have done a lot of research on the topic so much of it I was familiar with, but it was still educational. I am very nervous to start the stimulating and the progesterone injections. Sounded like the progesterone one is the most difficult as it is an oil base and thicker to inject w/ a 1.5" needle and is intramuscular!!!! It also worries me that so much of this is about timing. For example, if we messed up on the timing of the trigger shot (right before egg retrieval) then you would most likely risk messing up your entire cycle thus far! It is a lot to take in and of course the nurse talked about the emotional side of things, how this may interfere w/ your relationship, your mood, etc...and to try and be prepared in advance for the changes you may experience. She also talked about the outcome, pregnant or not pregnant reporting the success rate of pregnancies to be 50%. If if not pregnant, although devastating, the physicians can learn a lot by one cycle and will attempt to troubleshoot the problem for the next cycle attempt.

When I start to become alittle overwhelmed and begin questioning this decision I read a positive story where it DID WORK and those stories give me a glimmer of hope that this just may be possible.

So for now, I will attempt to think positive and hopefully get a date scheduled sometime relatively soon for the TESA procedure. A suggestion that was provided during the IVF class: take things one day at a time rather than overwhelming oneself w/ the outcome. Just to think that just for today I will take my injection and that will be one step closer to possibly having our sweet daughter. This I need to remember!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHANDLER!!!

2009-04-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Introducing Chandler...my oldest son whom just celebrated b-day #8! I feel too young to have an eight year old already!!!! Pic by Jana

The famous Star Wars ice cream cake...YUM! Chandler LOVES ice cream ;) (or anything sweet for that matter!)

Chandler turns EIGHT!!!!!

Chandler's sixth birthday!

Chandler turns three! (Look at his sweet baby face) EVERYTHING was about Hulk...loved to talk about Hulk breaking our house down..."Hulk break house"

Chandler's first birthday!

My sweet Chandler turned eight yesterday. My brother, his wife and nephew came to visit on Sunday from Tucson, parents came over and we celebrated by going bowling (Chandler's pick of course!) I think I should have won a prize for the worst score, but I won't get started w/ that...Lol! We had a wonderful time and let's not forget the delicious ice cream (Star Wars) cake!! Chandler made out w/ gift certificates to the Lego store and made a trip to the mall on Monday to purchase two large Lego sets of his choice. He was beyond excited!! Just a note about my Chandler, he is my loving sweet boy always handing out kisses and hugs, asking mommy how her day went, wanting to be tucked in at night, and my very social boy...talk, talk, talk...and yet I was worried at one point that he was delayed in speech b/c he was not talking and later found out that he had fluid built up in his ears. He had tubes placed and took off from that point on....He is in second grade, playing baseball (1st time this year) and enjoys watching movies, cartoons and playing "battle" w/ his brother between their Star Wars Lego ships.

Where did my little bald headed baby go??? He dreams of being a race car driver...Mom's advice: Once you graduate college, you can be whatever you want to be. College comes first!

My mom once told me that you grieve the loss of your children as an infant, toddler etc...but at the same time you look forward to new experiences w/ your children at their present age. This could not be more truthful. I grieve my little Chandler, but love the big boy he has become and grown into.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAN-CHAN!

Tossing & Turning...

2009-04-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not sleep, I began reading about other blogs that discuss IVF, I read a very inspiring story about a woman who had two children from a previous marriage and her husband had four children from a previous marriage. The husband obtained a vasectomy and the wife a tubal ligation. They both felt content w/ their decisions and felt their family was complete. They adopted eachother's children from their previous marriages. Well, throughout time they changed their mind wanting to add another little one to their family so they pursued IVF and TESA (sperm aspiration) and it worked the first time! The woman had their beautiful baby boy several weeks ago!! Stories like these give me hope and inspiration so needless to say I tossed and turned in bed w/ constant thoughts of IVF and I remember feeling so much anxiety and fear and fast forwarding quickly through the process and right as I was about to wake up I remember looking at a pregnancy test and it was positive! I was so happy....so tonight I am tired, heading to bed early. HOPEFULLY THIS DREAM COMES TRUE!

I applied for my state licensure for SW, LCSW and found out today my application was approved. This is great news, but now I need to really put my energy into studying. Ugh! I think it may be good for me to really refocus my thoughts for a bit and spend less time perseverating on my fertility plans. Just like any pregnancy, adoption, etc....there are good stories and no so good stories and sometimes all the reading I think adds to my stress although I do find some of the stories inspiring. I need to take it one day at a time and think positive, focus on my test and hope for positive outcomes in the end for them both!!!!

Three Blogs & A Splash of PINK!

2009-04-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

I think I have completed my first record of blogs in a day!!! Guess I have had a lot on my mind lately...not to mention the boys are occupying themselves giving me the opportunity to blog! A friend of mine is having a baby shower in 2 wks so I went shopping and OF COURSE I cannot leave a baby store without purchasing a little something of PINK! So here is my latest purchase and yes it was on the sale rack like most of my purchases so I cannot feel too bad about purchasing it. I think it is so cute! I must admit though that I am shopping less for girl clothes...I think I am scared and nervous the closer the date gets to doing IVF. I fully understand IVF is a risk, we could be investing a lot of money into something that we have nothing to show for...this is my fear so the closer the date gets the more I find myself buying less for baby. I pray this happens, but what if it doesn't??? My hubby reminds me one day at a time so I take a deep breathe and try to replace all my fears with hope and optimism.....we will give it all we have!

Summer Shoes

2009-04-11T17:09:00.001-07:00

Flip flops are my life, I live in them! I would have posed in them but after losing my toenail a few wks ago I thought you could probably live without that little visual :) I LOVE open toed shoes...have I said that before??? I remember running around in my bare feet as a child, had the perfect summer job as a lifeguard, oh life was so simple back then...something about the feel of bare feet on the warm summer sidewalk or in the warm sand on a sunny day at the beach! Did you know I married barefoot on the beach in Maui? So... this is a pair of my latest purchase and although they do not look too comfy they are very comfortable!!! I figure some day I am going to pay for all these days of wearing shoes w/ little or no support but until that day I will keep on walking in my shoes!

Where's my sofa???

2009-04-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

My boys have been diligently working on forts day in and day out for the past several weeks. At one point the forts took over our entire living room leaving the rest of the family searching to just find a seat in the room! With a little persuasion from mom and dad they have moved to the sitting/family room and this is what is looks like! YIKES! As I sit here typing this I can hear the boys arguing with eachother about where the pillows should go, where to put the secret passage tunnels, etc...at one point I heard Codey talking about throwing a blanket over the hamster cage until Chandler told him not too as the hamsters would have no room to breathe! All I can say is BOYS! Do your little monkeys build forts too, if so where, do they consume your house, do you let them have their fun????

Soccer Boy...

2009-04-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

I am loving that my boys are both into sports! I love watching them practice and going to their games. Needless to say our Saturdays are packed full of games now! This is Codey's second season playing soccer and Chandler's first season playing baseball. Codey has also just joined Chandler's baseball team as well. Codey is just learning to even hit the ball...dad has been practicing w/ them which has been helping...

These are pics of Codey's last soccer game...he is doing great, really learning to control the ball! Can I officially be called a "soccer mom" now?? Lol! Of course I am always standing on the sidelines w/ my camera in tote ready to catch every moment!

A Stroke of Bad Luck?

2009-03-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

There is always an end to good fortune...or is there? Well, after winning my closet design from Classy Closets I won a drawing at work winning a tote/freezer bag...wow, I thought...how can this be? Me? Winning again?? Do I dare question my fortune? But it did make me think what is going on? I do not win most things. I have entered many contests and do I ever hear back?? NO! So, without hesitation I gathered my prizes and of course felt blessed for them as I was chosen...somehow, someway I had won!

SUDDENLY...My fortune came to a complete halt!!!

Sunday I am grocery shopping w/ my six y/o son Codey, feeling like I am making good timing, gethering my neccesary items, checking off my list, stashing my coupons when suddenly without notice while in the cereal isle Codey steps in front of me at the EXACT same time I step down catching my big toe nail (yes, it sounds gross) on the tread of the bottom of his shoe tearing my toenail right off...right there in the grocery store, blood flooding from my toe as I anxiously dig rapidly through my purse in desperation to find the one band-aid I had located earlier in my purse that morning (almost throwing it out!) and then there it was!!! I ripped it open and right there started diligently wrapping my toe making every effort to keep the blood contained...oh it was SO painful...my poor Codey felt so bad saying, "I am sorry mom, I didn't mean to mom." SO...off to the urgent care I went to wait two hours and find out all I am able to do it soak it nightly in Epsom Salt, keep it wrapped and wait for a new toe nail to grow back in 6 MONTHS!! Ok...for anyone who knows me this is a serious crisis for me as I am all about open toed shoes, sandals, flip flops, anything that allows my feet to breathe...I even wear open toed shoes in the winter! Well, AZ winter that is ;)

SO....just when I thought my stroke of bad luck was out of the way I was presented w/ another today...I must say it is quite funny. I find myself laughing just thinking about it, but at the time it was really not a laughing matter. So here's my story of the day:
To prep you for the story I must tell you a few small details...I have two chairs in my office that are not well made, they flip very easily if you shift more weight to the front than back of the chair. I know this as I have had several social work students rotate in my area and they themselves have fallen out of them. While thankfully they were not hurt I eagerly ran to their aid, once I was provided the signal they were fine I placed the chairs in their upright positions while pushing a few bars that often come loose back together...now yes it probably would have been wise of me to replace these chairs long ago, but it's not an easy task at the VA, chairs are a rare commodity so without hesitation and making an issue of it remained content w/ the two that I had UNTIL TODAY!!!! So, my good friend Judi knocked on my door for lunch (we often eat in my office) and in an effort to pack a healthier lunch today I chose tomato soup (the large metal microwaveable bowls) over my "usual" Lean Cuisine pizzas. While looking forward to my hot bowl of soup I very ever so carefully was in the process of peeling off the metal top (not an easy task!) and just as it was about to release I find myself airborn! My soup, chair and all crashing down on my butt w/ tomato soup landing literally on top of me...I was sitting on my office floor COVERED in tomato soup...it was on my walls, up the desk drawers, in my hair, on my face, up my arms (had to dig it out from the grooves of my watch and ring!), all over my floor, my clothes (thank goodness I was wearing dark colors!!!) EVERYWHERE...even on some social work boards that the social work committee had planned to display in the hospital! What do you do in a moment like this??? Cry? Laugh? My shoes had even flown off! So, I look up at my dear friend Judi whom was just in complete shock...no longer eating her fish just staring at me asking me if I was ok. Awww...what a friend...checking to make sure I was fine before belly over laughing at me! I smelled like tomato soup the rest of the day..it was gross. Reminded me of when I had to be initiated as a cheerleader in HS and had to walk around all day w/ cracked eggs on my head, in my hair...Ugh! I thought I was going to lose it....ok...back on topic. So, Judi scurried off making several trips to the nearby ladies restroom to bring me a pile of papertowels. I spent my lunch hour w/ a washrag and bottle of water rapidly scrubbing my clothes, but it was a never ending battle as I was COVERED in soup!!!! So, I have taken action and have placed my request for new chairs. Chairs that should have been replaced long ago.....So, this will be one of those days that I will often refer back to when I think I am having a "bad day" b/c I think this tops them all!

So, what's next? Where does my fate sit now? What will tommorrow bring??? Do I dare ask?

Keeping Busy...

2009-03-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am trying to keep my mind busy...well, it's really not too hard w/ two boys, a husband and a FT job! I am counting down the days though until I can begin preparing my body for the egg retrieval (ER). Hubby is having a TESA procedure so until we get a date set for that I will have to wait on my end of things. If all goes as planned, I am hopeful that we will have the egg transfer (ET) in May which means if this works I could be pregnant w/ a daughter by May! Hard to believe but yet exciting! I really hope (although not common) that this happens the first time b/c I am not too sure how many more times hubby is willing to try. As I stated before we were set on adoption and then changed our plans to try PGD/IVF, but if this does not work I would still like to pursue adoption although hubby tells me that adoption would not be an option if this doesn't work b/c of the finances. I feel like I have so much on the line w/ this now...he is in agreement though to foster adopt if this doesn't work which I think would be wonderful too, but I do pray that the IVF/PGD works for us...only time will tell.

So Chandler started baseball today and he had his first game. His team is all fairly new to baseball w/ the exception of a few..this is good since this is Chandler's first year too (well minus the one year he played when he was three, but does that really count???) He really enjoyed it and I really enjoyed watching him. Hubby has been trying to get Chandler into baseball for some time now since he enjoys playing, but we had him in karate instead. He did karate for years which I really think helped to bring him out of his "shyness" shell and grow, but it was time to try a new sport and hubby is very excited and interested in coaching possibly in the future. Anyway, we were very proud of him (see pic above)

For Codey, he is doing wonderful in soccer, his team won last week 2-1 and he scored both the goals! He is learning to become a bit more aggressive and learing to control the ball much better.

For me, well work is work...a very busy week and glad to have one more day off!

My closet...It's Done!

2009-03-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled with my new closet...well the extra bedroom closet and hopefully someday our daughter's closet. Ok...before you say anything about all the clothes already I must confess that yes I did purchase some of those (I can't resist!) but also my cousin's wife Jamie graciously sent me a box full of clothes from her daughter. I love looking through all the adorable outfits and pray that just one of these days I can put them all to use ;)

I promised Jana I would take a "before" and "after" picture of it (just for you Jana!!)...see below for the "before" shots. Wow, I have so much more space and room now. Thank you again Breanne for having this drawing and all your assistance in helping to sketch out the drawing. I am so appreciative of your efforts and so happy that I won!

Oh yes and the closet

2009-03-17T20:56:00.000-07:00

Remember I won a closet design from Classy Closets???? Well I have "before" pics...I am going to keep you in suspense for the "after" pics since I have not painted it yet. It provides a lot more space though! Thank you again Breanne and of course to my old time BFF Jana for filling me in on the drawing!!!!

A Different Kind of Journey...

2009-03-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

Well, my head is spinning, rapid thoughts running...how can we go from our set thoughts of adoption to now starting the IVF/PGD process (hopefully) towards our daughter. For so many years we considered adoption...I truly felt it was my calling (still do), but after weighing both the positives and negatives to both situations we opted to try IVF mostly for the simple fact that we could "budget" the cost. So...WE STARTED..full force and my emotions are up and down...are we doing the right thing? Did we find the right doctor? The right facility? Can this REALLY be done? What if this doesn't work??? THERE IS NO GUARANTEE! My dear sweet husband reminds me that babies do not like to be made in stressed out environments so I MUST find a way to control these emotions, to be opptomisitic (which is out of my charactaristic not to be) so I am putting my full faith and belief into taking this next step/chapter of our life. We met w/ the fertility clinic on 3/13, I had my blood work on 3/16 and am starting the BC pills today. I am nervous but yet EXCITED and pray that this brings us to our daughter, hopefully the first time around although I hear there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to understanding why some get pregnant the first time of trying and others it takes much longer and for some it unfortunately never happens. I am extremely grateful that my husband has agreed to do this w/ me and support me (he is an IMPORTANT piece to making this happen...Lol!) The fertility doctor made it sound easy as long as hubby and I come to the table w/ the right resources to make it happen ;) We have had many discussions about how many embryos to transfer, one or two. It is a tough decision, but I think we want to make the most out of the opportunity we are provided considering the financial investment. I guess we will make that decision once the ET (embryo transfer) day gets closer...I hope that between hubby and I we will have some good numbers of healthy female embryos!

On another note, the boys are doing great. Codey is in soccer still and loving it. Chandler has been in karate for years and is deciding he may like to try baseball/softball. I am so glad they both enjoy sports and stay active. Codey loves school and kindergarten...still my little artist and Chandler is doing well in second grade...making lots of friends...a true social butterfly! Funny thought...the other day I was trying on clothes and asked Chandler which top he liked better. He said both but only wanted me to buy one so we would have more money to put towards his little sister!!! They of course do not know at this point we have changed directions...it was still very cute though. Hope to be able to announce positive news to them in the next month or two!!!!!

2009-03-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

Correction to previous posting:

Research shows approx a 50% success rate of IVF w/ some fertility clinics even reporting a 60% success rate.

Mixture of Emotions...Journey of thoughts about a daughter

2009-03-06T21:25:00.001-08:00

I told myself I would be much better with keeping up w/ posts when I decided to take of this new adventure of blogging, but lately I have taken a step back to think about our future plans so my apologies...the plans/thoughts I am referring to are the ones that I have been thinking about for the past 3-4 yrs! Just like my blog reads, how can I add some PINK into our lives??? A daughter that would utimately fill this void in my heart and complete our family? Some may not understand why I feel this way, I guess it has more to do w/ balancing my family out and of course having "that" special bond w/ a daughter that I have w/ my mother (although this is never a guarantee). I want to start by saying that my life is so full and so blessed in so many ways, I have a wonderful husband whom is amazing w/ the boys, two beautiful healthy boys that I love to pieces and a fairly stable life (i.e. good job, nice home, etc...the basic needs of life met which is somthing I will never take for granted especially in todays economy) SO am I unhappy? No, I feel my life in enriched, what is not to love? Do I feel I am missing a piece of something in my life? Yes...and that would be a little girl to put bows in her hair, watch princess movies with, take to get pedicures...all those fun little girly things that girls do! Although difficult to imagine I can still live my happy life if we are not blessed w/ our girl, but it does bring some amount of sadness to think about. So....here we stand...my husband and I. We both agree that adding a daughter to our family would be a blessing and up until recently we thought very strongly about adopting a daughter. I have always felt adoption would be such a miracle and a perfect way to our daughter...I still do, but w/ the present economy and our financial situation we are exploring other options. This saddens me some as my heart was set on adoption, but realistically we would have to have a large amount of money up front which is difficult for us right now so we have just recently within the past few wks begun to think about PGD (gender selection) and IVF. I realize this is an ethical issue for some, I read articles and watch television shows on how gender selection is unethical and some fertility clinics refuse to perform the procedure for purposes of gender selection only. PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis) was first established to identify embryos that are at risk (i.e. carry the possible gene of down symdrome and other genetic diseases) but later became a method to determine gender. Through PGD we would have a 99.9% chance of having a daughter (leaving room only for human error). Through much discussion and identifying the postive and negatives to both adoption and IV we have chosen to give this a try. Although IVF is not cheap we have more flexibility when it comes to funding this procedure. I must confess I am a little nervous about the procedure, being pregnant again especially since I have very complicated pregnancies w/ both the boys and in the back of my mind I can't help but to think that there is never a gurantee that this will work for us. I think of it a little bit like rolling the dice...it is a CHANCE. I have done a lot of research on this procedure and w/ IVF alone it appears I would have about a 50% success rate. Some agencies go on to say they gurantee a 50% success rate. My head feels full w/ so many thoughts, mix of emotions, but we have decided to give this a try. At this time, we feel this is what is right for us and I pray that it is the first step towards our long desired baby girl! So, we have an appt next week w/ the fertility clinic...I do not know what to expect, but I have a list of questions. So I hope to feel more informed after our appt. By the way, I respect all views on this topic, but personally feel that gender selection is a way to balance families and through this procedure I hope to one day say my family is FINALLY balanced ;)

I won!!!

2009-02-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

Here's how the story goes...a friend of mine Jana has a friend Breanne whom works for Classy Closets and her company allowed her to give away two free closet designs worth $350 each. So she had a drawing on her blog and I entered. Lo and behold I won!!! I could not believe it, I do not have a good track history of winning many things especially of much value, this by far hits my top! So, I am very excited! A few wks ago I met Breanne and she sketched out the closet in the extra bedroom (future baby nursery) and it is going to look amazing. Perfect for little dresses, sweaters, ruffled pants...I am in heaven ;) Now all I need is a baby! Ok, so here is the design except it will be reversed in my closet w/ a few other very minor changes: (above)

I think it is adorable and am going to add an extra small bar in to hang additional clothes especially the way I have been shopping already! So, we are in the planning stages of when to have it installed and yes Jana I will be sure to do before and after pictures!

Thank you again Breanne!

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back

2009-01-28T19:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday hubby calls to tell me that the Tahoe is making noise so he dropped it off at the Chevy dealer...of course this always means that we will be spending money! I get a call later from him stating several wear and tear problems which will cost $1,100 and then we have a bubble in one of the tires and they are all five yrs old so due to be changed. So after paying $1,100 at the Chevy dealer we get all new tires too. I must say we did get a good deal on them for tires...they cost around $550, but considering what we spent earlier I was not happy. I was not upset w/ hubby, just frustrated at the situation. Yes, it makes sense, money that indeed has a purpose and is serving the greater good allowing us to continue to use the Tahoe to and from work, etc...but it is still frustrating especially since we are trying so hard to pay down bills, to put money towards the adoption. I can't help but to think, "Will this ever happen???" I joke about the boys being in college before our daughter arrives, but sometimes I wonder...are we going to be able to start this year, will it be another year or two. Sigh! Why does money have to be a defining factor to whether you can bring more love into your home through expanding your family? It does not seem right, it saddens me. I know I will have good days and bad days through this whole process, but today is not a good one. So instead of feeling like we made a little progress on our bills we are back to square one. I called my friend Lisa whom provided me some emotional support. I am thankful to all my friends and family who listen to me and provide their ongoing support. I know in my heart this will happen, there is a little girl our there for our family, but so many unknowns as to when this will happen... I must look forward, continue to plan and save, hold onto my faith that adoption will indeed work out for us, and remain appreciative of all things in life even a working car!

Baby Deals

2009-01-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post a pic of the two little cute tees that I found at Old Navy for under $4. Of course, one is for daddy...

I took this picture straight so not sure why it is coming up sideways...my apologies. Anyone else ever have this problem?? Is it possible to turn your picture on here? Suggestions appreciated ;)

Catching up...

2009-01-24T19:51:00.000-08:00

Right now I am feeling at peace, it's quiet, neighbors dogs even stopped barking, boys are sound asleep in their beds and hubby is on the computer. It's quiet...I can hear myself think, take a moment to myself to reflect on my week. Work was very busy this past week, most of my calls to the ER were helping homeless veterans. On Friday though I received a call to assist an elderly gentleman whom has small cell cancer in his left lung, non operatable. These cases sadden me, his wife standing by his side looking for some support. These are the times I wish I had a magic wand and could change it all, cure, make things better, but I cannot so I offer all that I can, my support and sympathy. I discuss hospice which I believe to me an amazing service and both the veteran and his wife feel this is a good option for him. I offer support groups, but he says that he would just rather go home to watch a good Western on TV. I look at his wife's saddened eyes, she is reaching for help, for support so I provide her some resources hoping that she takes advantage of them, I encourage her to take care of herself and to make sure she utilizes her support systems during this very difficult time of her life. How else do you help a woman that is about to lose her husband of 50+ yrs? I cannot imagine her pain...what it must be like to lose your best friend and companion after so many years. These are the hard days of my life, but I must remind myself that there is no better place to be then beside them helping them along this difficult path, offering support, even just a presence and unspoken words can make a difference, this I know....

My mother was just telling me about a book she is reading called, "The Shack." My aunt stated it changed her life, helped her to fully see one's purpose for life, as we all have our selfish needs by nature, we must not forget our purpose which I believe is to make this life a little better, helping to better the lives of those around us. As emotionally draining my job can be at times, I know in my heart that I am helping and that gives me the strength to continue this type of work. At dinnertime my family takes turns and goes around the table stating the best and worst parts of our days and one thing we appreciate. This is a family tradition we started several yrs ago, this is our time to share our days as a family. I love hearing about the boys and hubby's day, but it means so much to me to hear the boys talk about the things they appreciate, even just the smallest things in their days. I often hear "Mommy's good dinner" "My family" "My health" "Our home and food on the table" and because I share my stories (children's version) w/ the boys about what mommy does, helps lots of people to find homes and jobs the boys state they are appreciative that we do not live in a shelter. I hope to instill in them appreciation, to never take a moment, not a day for granted and feel blessed for the gifts in their life. Last year we did the Christmas Angel for the first time and the boys loved it, helping to make another child's Christmas better. I truly believe it is these experiences that will help to shape my boys into responsible and caring men someday ;)

So...I had a dream last night that someone handed me an envelope full of money, this person handed many people envelopes w/ money b/c they felt it was the right thing to do to help others especially in this economy...I know it sounds strange, but I was ecstatic and the first thing that came to my mind in my dream was adoption, that yes, no more financial worries, we could finally begin the process towards our sweet baby girl!! I know this will happen, we talk about it, feels like "she's" already a part of our family b/c we make comments about her, the boys playing w/ her, holding her....my mom even said last night she had a dream with a little girl in it that looked up at her and called her grandma! She had shoulder length dark curly hair. Is this a sign? Will our little girl arrive this year? Most of all will we finally begin the process in March/April??? My heart aches b/c I know there will be a little girl that will be perfect for us, for our family. She will add more laughter and love to this family and will complete us all!!!!

Juno

2009-01-17T20:39:00.000-08:00

So....I am sitting here wathing Juno for the second time. What a great movie! I cannot help to think about when we adopt. It seems too good to be true...adoption has been comsuming my mind and thoughts so much these past few years, aching to complete our family. It is just not happening soon enough, but good news is that we are still on target to start in March or April. I can just picture a little toddler girl w/ pig tails running through our home and the boys chasing her all over the place! In fact, I was at Old Navy on Friday and they had so many cute girls clothes on clearance and then 50% off the clearance price....I got away only purchasing two little girls tops which is good for me! Together I spent less that $5 on them ;) I try and stick to clothes that she can wear anytime during the year....

So, when do you know when you are done having children? My mom said she just knew after she had my brother and I. My brother and I had some medical complications post our birth which she thinks helped her to make the decision to stick to two children, but I have never had the feeling like, "this is it." "I am done." After having such difficult pregnancies w/ the boys I knew was I done biologically...don't think my body could take another, but my heart still aches to hold another baby, hear another infant cry...nurture! Adoption feels so right for me, for us , for my family. I love being a mom, the boys are the most amazing children, so full of life, so full of energy...well, they are boys! They treat me like the princess of the house although they still don't let me watch my movies, girly ones...but say they will watch them w/ their little sister. So, three children has always felt right to me...when Ross and I married we were convinced we would have four, but after my complications w/ Chandler it went to three and then further complications w/ Codey...we thought we better quit so now three feels right. So, I have faith that this adoption will work out for us, that this magical year will be ours, the time we finally bring our daughter home....Thank you for being a part of our journey!

I've Been Tagged

2009-01-14T18:58:00.000-08:00

by my dear friend Lisa! Ok...I have not done this before nor have I posted pictures before. I was told to go to my pictures folder, pick the sixth folder and the sixth picture and tell a story about it...so here goes.

This is a picture of a gingerbread cookie from Christmas 2005 that one of the boys decorated. Doesn't it look lovely???

The Adoption Packet

2009-01-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

So...I have had the agency that I have wanted to use for awhile now. I knew that I had already received an adoption packet from the agency a while back, however, not until I started e-mailing the agency again as our time to start the process is getting closer did I realize just how long ago I received my first packet. I dug up my old one to discover that it was dated back in 2007!!! This just goes to show how long I have been thinking about this, longing to expand our family, desiring a little princess in our home! So, in the past two years the agency of our choice has raised their fees some...ugh! It is a bit frustrating...I know many say that you do not have to be wealthy to adopt and just about everyone can afford it, but it is an expense. I know without a doubt in my heart it will be worth every penny and more, but for now I feel stress! Neither my employer nor my husbands assist w/ the costs of adoption. I am hearing more employers offering benefits that assist w/ the costs, unfortunately we are not in luck in that area! So, we continue to try and make this work for us financially. I pray that we will begin in March or April (FINALLY!)...from what I hear we just need to do it b/c there are so many reasons to justify waiting and I continue to joke that the boys will be in college before our sweet little girl arrives!

Good news...I received a bonus at work and will get a raise this year which should help...every little bit! The boys continue to mention their future sister, we were talking about selling Chandler's Thomas the Train movies (he has so many!) and then Chandler said "Wait, our little sister will want to watch them." Not to say a little girl cannot watch train movies, I am all for that, but I dream of the day we can all sit around and watch a girly movie for once...something other than Star Wars, The Clone Wars, Superman, Spiderman, etc...it's mom's turn to choose ;)

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T21:39:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year to all my dear friends and family!! My parents came over for awhile, we had a good time playing Wii...dad became too tired to make it until midnight...That is ok b/c I have trouble staying up until midnight anymore too these days! We still enjoyed one another and wished eachother a good New Year!

We are letting the boys stay up tonight, a special treat, but I honestly doubt they will make it, I see tired eyes and lots of yawns! So...we have another hour and twenty minutes...in the interim I am thinking about all my goals for 2009 and all the things I am thankful for.

Things I am thankful for:
1. First most my health and the health of my family, I say this frequently, but I would not have anything w/out my health!
2. A happy marriage, wonderful hubby!
3. Two healthy beautiful sons
4. Our jobs (hubby & I)
5. The best parents in the world!
6. My friends and family
7. Happiness
8. The very basics of life (health again, shelter, clothing, food)
9. This Country, being an American and the sacrafice our soldiers make every day for our freedom!
10. Support of my hubby, boys, family and friends towards adoption!!

Goals for 2009:
1. To exercise more and eat healthier
2. To start the adoption process towards our little girl!
3. To spend more quality time w/ the boys (I never feel like I spend enough...)
4. To obtain my LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) License...I have to take a very difficult exam!!!
5. To try and appreciate myself more...sometimes I am too hard on myself.

Ok...that is all I can think of for now...may add more later.

May 2009 bring us a better/more stable economy, continued good health and happiness! May all your goals and wishes for the year 2009 come true!!

2008-12-29T18:43:00.000-08:00

Day #2...I am beginning to enjoy and have fun w/ this whole blogging thing as you can tell! Yes, I have a confession, those are cute little girls clothes that I have ALREADY purchased for our future daughter!! I walk into a store and and pulled towards the little girls clothes, they are so adorable and much too cute to pass up! I have had to find some discipline within myself or else I could easily shop myself out of the adoption!!! I must force myself to just walk the other direction...I ask my friends whom have girls how they can resist all the cute clothes and they tell me that they simply cannot justify buying any more b/c they are so cute and already have a closet full! I have a secret fear that I will go broke once we are matched w/ our daughter ;)

Ok...so I wanted to post an update on where we are in the process. We, well I (hubby left this task up to me) did lots of research on adoption agencies and we were somewhat limited as we were choosing to be gender specific. I finally located an agency, domestically that I feel comfortable with. I met a woman on line whom adopted their daughter through this agency and had a very positive experience and now I have a good friend of mine Lisa whom is going through this agency and having a positive experience so far...so step one is complete. Now we are waiting until the complete finances are in order which we anticipate will be in March or April. I don't want to wait any longer...I jokingly laugh that my two boys will be in college before our little one arrives!

I was notified by our agency of choice that we will be looking to wait anywhere between 12-18 mos for a match as it takes longer when being gender specific so I really want to get moving w/ this process. So, needless to say I am very anxious for 2009 to arrive...I pray my family along w/ all my other adoptive mommy friends will have a new little baby to hold, kiss and love this next coming year!!

Getting Started

2008-12-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

Well, this is my very first post and after much thought about whether I wanted to create a blog or not of mine own, wondering if I would be able to be faithful to it and update it often enough, be interesting enough...I have finally decided to give it a chance!

I am happily married mother of two beautiful boys planning to begin the adoption process next year towards our daughter. I always assumed I would have a daughter, but always longed to have sons. Funny how life unfolds, but I strongly believe there is a reason for everything. I was blessed w/ my two boys (six and seven) and as the result of difficulties pregnancies and medical complications my husband and I chose not to persue more biological children. My husband and I have always had an interest in adoption and so adoption felt like the right choice for us to persue our daughter. Why a daughter you ask? Well, there are many reasons...First, I already have my two beautiful boys whom I adore, I love pink, girls clothes, bows, ribbons, princess movies which my boys will not watch with me (Lol..) and I have such a wonderful and close relationship to my mother. Although I do realize that having my own daughter does not guarantee me the same relationship I am hopeful that I can create this type of relationship with her.

From those who know me, you know that I have thought about adoption for a long time (years!). I have educated myself on the adoption process and through a wonderful adoption website have met so many wonderful moms whom have adopted themselves and have these beautiful children to love now all because of the miracle of adoption! Adoption feels so right to me and although I can honestly say at one time I had my concerns and fears, I can now say I feel a sense of peace and calmness thinking about our journey towards our little girl...

Oh and a little bit more, I am a full time working mommy...hence my fear that I may not have enough time to keep up w/ this, but I will do my best! I have a quite interesting job as a medical social worker which can be both emotionally and physically challenging and rewarding. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that I have an impact on others in helping to make their lives a little better. Processing my days always helps so I am sure I will have a few stories to share later on...I think my job has really helped my boys to see the importance of my work, helping others, it has given us lots of opportunities to volunteer and to appreciate the basics of our lives foremost our health!

My hope for this blog is to share a little bit about my life and our journey towards our daughter, to give and receive support, update friends and family and always to meet new people with common interests!

After having a wonderful nine days off for the holidays I am back to work tommorrow! Have a great night!